{52 Weeks} Week 33: Beyond

Last night was the 6th night in a row that Jasper has spent crying for hours on end, inconsolable for the most part. There are moments of blissful silence, where he snuggles into me and closes his tired eyes but they are few and fleeting.

This morning’s screaming session was particularly awesome as it woke both girls who would not go back to sleep, even though it was still dark. So, when Jasper calmed down enough to sleep there was no relieved Mumma slipping back into a much needed sleep. I have discussed my want for this colic stage to be done in a recent guest post. Now, it’s more a need than a want.

Today I am beyond exhausted. I am beyond grumpy. Beyond the point of my patience wearing thin to a point where it seems I never had any in the first place. Beyond coping. Beyond the ability to be the parent I want to be. Beyond. Just beyond.

I’ve let them watch too much TV, yelled and not even tried to stay calm, I don’t want to play and would really just like all three of them to sleep for the day. So that I can, too.

It seems my daughter’s are trying their very best to push me as far as humanly possible. They scream, yell, sing at the TOP of their voice and constantly wake Jasper up, making him increasingly grumpy. No matter how many times I tell them to play quietly so he can have some sleep, they just do. not. listen.

And children know, don’t they? They know you’re having a bad day, they know just how to push your buttons and most annoyingly of all, they know how to be bloody cute just after you’ve told them off.

I feel like a complete and utter failure. My children are running wild and I am not parenting how I want to.

I absolutely know that bad nights and exhaustion are triggers for my PND, but when it’s something that’s so out of my control I feel like all I can do is sit and wait for the crash. Just sit and wait for days like today, where there are sultanas all over the floor, a million things to be done and I barely care.

Having learnt recently how much a bit of time to myself helps, I have tried to catch a quiet moment to regroup to no avail.

Is today over yet??

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6 Comments

  1. Keep strong. Parenting is never easy.

  2. Do you have a sling, they really are gold, the best bit is you should put it on and even walk around the back yard if it is night time, gets you both outside and moving and if they fall asleep just slump in a chair and leave them there while you sleep too.

  3. Oh, Becky. How many weeks old is Jasper now? Sammy's colic disappeared at about 14-15 weeks. They were long weeks. I empathise. J x

  4. hugs.

    Sleep deprivation is a cruel, cruel form of torture

  5. I know how hard an inconsolable colicky baby is – and that's without PND, a partner I need to spend time with, or older children to parent. Hope it gets better soon xoxox

  6. Thank you all for your kind comments – it was a tough day.
    I am trying to work on my response to things, my patience and get back to being the kind of mother I've always wanted to be.

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