WordFULL Wednesday: Mourning the Changing of Relationships

Ethan (Uncle Max), Me, Joshy and Caleb        

I have three younger brothers. With each I have a different relationship; but each is (or has been) close in it’s own way. As someone who has always been family orientated, this closeness has been of huge importantance through out my life.

But, relationships change. They morph, grow and alter over time as we each find our way in the world. Sometimes, they lose their way.

Josh and I are 2 years, two months and one day apart. I have loved him since the moment I first met him; it doesn’t matter that I can’t remember the first moment because I can see it in this photo and I know.

Through our childhood we fought. I can recall horrible fights; scratching, screaming, carrying on. There’s even a time I wrote an admission note; from Josh so that we could get out of our rooms. I don’t know if he did do whatever we were put in time out for or what, but I remember carefully and slowly writing “I did it, Josh” with my right hand to disguise my handwriting (I’m a lefty) and even added some backwards letters to throw off the scent. In those moments I might just have been the most horrible sister in the world. But, mostly, we’ve been close.

We have spent our lives doing most things together. Learning about life, exploring the world and growing up was done side-by-side.

By the time we were teenagers and I had returned from living with my grandparents at 15 we rarely fought and were so close we were practically best friends. We did everything together. We (mostly) shared friends and did things in a big group and I knew I could always, always count on Josh. In fact, when things got tough he became my protector. And I knew that with him around I would always be safe.

And I knew I could always be my silly, dorky self without judgement or embarrassment. We talked about everything. Mastered Mario Bros together over one school holidays. Had movie nights that went into the next morning.

I never thought things would really ever change. Until they did.

Once he turned 18, Josh moved away and everything was different. The closeness we had seemed all but gone. We had little contact and anything I found out about his life was second or third hand. I spent a lot of time worrying and wishing I could do something to help. I also spent a lot of time saddened by the distance that was suddenly between us and not just the physical distance.

There have been ups and there have been downs. I know that’s normal for family. The thing is; after he told me about the impending arrival of his baby in August before the rest of the family, I thought that, somehow, we would make our way back to a better relationship. When he was excited about our sons growing up together I thought things would be different once we were here.

You see, all the time when he was protecting me and being my rock I thought there would always be an opportunity for me to be there for him in the future. As I packed up to move here I felt the excitement that I would be able to finally be a big sister to him and help him with little Eli if he needed (or wanted, I guess).

Due to sickness, we haven’t had much contact yet. I didn’t want to make Eli sick, especially since I know my girls would be kissing his gorgeous little head the moment they saw him. Even with lack of contact, I had the light heart of an optimist.

What I didn’t expect was that his child would be in hospital and I would only find out third hand, a day later. Whether he doesn’t know he can come to me, about anything at any time, or whether he doesn’t want to; I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter and, anyhow, I don’t know which would be worse. I don’t know how many times I can say “I am here. Come to me if you need me.” without feeling rejected that he chooses not to.

Sometimes, I feel a crushing sadness, an overwhelming sense of worry. I want him to be oh-so-happy, to find his way in life AND back to us.

These photos, they make me teary. They remind me how much I miss my brother, my mate, my protector and friend. They make me wonder what happened. Did I do something? Can I fix it? Is this just how things are?

Joshy, if you happen upon this; “I love you. I am here. Come to me if you need me.”

I am here.

Always.


Photobucket

4 Comments

  1. (((((hugs)))))

  2. Such a touching post. thanks for sharing your story.

  3. I got teary eyed reading this post Becky. I have a younger brother and he, my sister and I have been very close. He has decided to take a path in life we can not support (drugs). I know the situations are very different but I miss him and your post reminded me of just how much.

    I hope your brother finds his way back into your life and the lives of those beautiful babies of yours.

  4. Aww, Becky thats so beautiful and what happy gorgeous photos. I hope you, your brother and your families grow closer again now you are all together. x

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