Me + PND: The Meds Issue

Piano, broken, old, PND, Post Natal Depression, Depression, Breaking Point, Struggling

Having previously completed my Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) Practitioner accreditation and having worked with children and their parents for much of my professional life before babies means I have lead parents through how to deal with issues in raising their children.

As a Triple P Practitioner, I never imagined I would struggle with the things I once helped others addressed. I never, ever thought I would initiate or nurture behaviours I knew I would have to wean my child off at a later date (hello dummies) or give in to mammoth toddler tantrums or stoop to using bribery.

I was seeing the outcomes of these actions and the steps which had to be taken to rectify them.

I have the work sheets, the knowledge and the background which suggests I should be rocking this Mumma-hood thing.

But, I’m not.

I mentioned yesterday that I’m in the middle of switching Post Natal Depression meds. My doctor has decided to move me on to a ‘second option’ medication and I have to say, it is not fun. At. All.

Since lowering my dose things have gone downhill and until I am completely transitioned to the new meds and over the initial stages which come with new medications.

I am horrible. Snapping, yelling, eternally grumpy. I don’t ‘feel’ it, I just ‘am’. I don’t even notice until I am being snarky about something that doesn’t even matter. It’s like being on the downward part of the roller coaster, gathering speed and unable to do anything but sit back and ‘be’ on the ride.

The more I try to reign myself in the more crazy and worked up I get. Though, that’s not to say that my feelings are not legitimate, it merely means maybe my reactions may be over the top. It’s something you don’t realise when you first go onto Depression medication; you start thinking it’s really just you because now that you’re taking tablets you should be getting better, you should be feeling better, you should be better.

I am easily offended (how dare you look at me sideways) and possibly a tad on the paranoid side, I can turn a twitter chat into a melancholy ‘well, obviously they hate me’ when I try to interact but get ‘left out’.

There’s the anxiety, the panic, the exhaustion. And did someone call me irrational?

Not to mention the physical side effects of the drug.

The worst bit is the things. The moments I can’t take back. The words which tumble out without so much as a thought or pause. “Stop it. You’re annoying me.” The yelling. The impatience. We don’t do crafts so much any more. Or play. My children, my heart; they don’t deserve to have to live through this time of adjustment and yet they still cuddle up to me. They still write me stories and sing me songs.

Then, in the silence of the night, when I can breathe I shudder to think of another day wasted, of yelling when I should have been patient. And it breaks my heart.

Note: Don’t let this put you off the idea of going on medication if you have had a conversation with your doctor and it is necessary. This is a sucky but real part of the Post Natal Depression (or any Depression for that matter) battle which doesn’t really get spoken about much. Now that I am going through it all again I remember what it was like and I wanted to highlight this tumultuous period where it is SO easy to think that really it’s all just you. And obviously not all of it is a meds thing, it can just amplify moods and situations.

And it does get better x

 

 

 

13 Comments

  1. PND is the worst. That inability to feel or enjoy and just go through the motions with your kids. I do ok with the meds and then I forget for a day, and I backslide majorly. I sometimes worry I will need them forever.

    • That’s a huge fear of mine also, I have gone up and up and up in doses and wonder if I will ever be able to start coming down 🙁

    • I’m the same. With us going down to the coast all the time I keep forgetting most weekends while we’re away getting the house packed and it’s horrible.

  2. I relate to your EVERY word so much, thank you for sharing! Much love xox

    • Thank you for your support. I hope it can help someone at some stage.

  3. Hehe.. I use bribery often, whatever works i say!

    Hope you get yours meds sorted and are feeling better soon! xx

  4. Thank you for sharing this very real side of PND. It’s an amazing insight and written with such self awareness. You will get through it and your kids are lucky to have a Mum who is so switched on to her emotions and theirs xx

    • Thanks Louisa. I actually thought I was going to have to come back and say “sorry it made no sense!!”
      I am glad I was able to get my point across as in my head it was a jumble I had to get out.

  5. It does get better. You are fabulous for sharing your own battle so openly x

    • Thanks you lovely Holly. It’s so good to hear it does get better, some days I wonder where the end of the tunnle has disappeared to.. x

  6. Sometimes it’s worse that you know what you should be doing, how you should be acting, the best way to handle a situation, that you should remain calm and not have a tantrum yourself when your child chucks a wobbly – it’s the guilt! You have to let go of that guilt and that’s not easy, but it’s part of the journey. You have to accept that the chemical reactions in your body are not ‘normal’ and you need assistance in the short time (maybe the long term), and that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Easier said than done. Believe me. But your kids won’t remember and it’s okay to put yourself in timeout. Repeatedly if necessary. Ask for help if you have someone and if you don’t, shout out to the blogosphere and let it all hang out. Sometimes talking it through can help. One day at a time xxx

    • So true about the guilt. That is a big struggle for me right now. I could probably spend all day focusing on what I should have done versus what I did if I let the guilt over run me.
      I will be using timeouts for myself. Lots I think.
      Thank you for your comment. So much. x

  7. Parenting can be the toughest job you\\\’ll ever have. Kids present new challenges continuously because they keep growing and changing, and the issues grow and change with them.

    As parents our most important job is to make sure our kids feel loved and valuable for who they are (not what they do). It\\\’s my biggest struggle, and my biggest joy all at once!

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