Ranty Pants

I am still suffering a blog slump. I thought we would have our week away, I would rest, play, go to the beach and on our return I would be ready to jump back into it. I have a list of posts waiting to be written, but I just can’t find the energy or words. And the worst part is that I’m missing it and wanting to sit down and write but nothing’s coming together.

As I was thinking about all this I started to wonder if all the stress and life’s goings on are blocking me. Maybe I need to get my Ranty Pants out and just let it all out. Have a purge and see if that leaves the way clear for me to start blogging properly again.

If you don’t love random ranty post, click away now. There might not be a lot of sense behind what follows, I am just going to let it flow. If you do stay to the end, thank you!

Life is leaving me eternally exhausted. Even more so than normal. I can’t get through the day without a nap. It’s 9.46am and I am so ready to be back in bed. And I am sick. Again. It’s the most ridiculous thing ever..

I think we all have ‘living together’ fatigue, which isn’t surprising really. Living with 8 people in a small space for 6 months can get a bit much, especially when we are all getting sick all the time. It’s all just going ’round and round. There’s no relief. Mum and Caleb have gone on holidays and Ethan’s off to camp, so maybe this break will do us all some good.

And every time I think we’re about to get a house and be able to move it all falls apart. I honestly did not know it was so hard to rent. Having our own house for the first 5 years of marriage meant I was happily living in my own little bubble where if you needed a house you found one. I really had no idea. The most disturbing thing is that my instincts are obviously broken. There have been two instances now where I have ‘felt’ we would get a house and be moving out the subsequent week and (obviously) both times I was wrong. Only yesterday we went to look at one and I was SO sure only to discover it wasn’t the 4 bedder that was advertised and it wasn’t at all practical for a family. Completely crushed.

It has me wondering if we’re meant to stay here. Yes, we’ve just moved and yes I have been going on about this move forever. However, the reason for coming here was to be closer to my family, to get support as I fought my PND and, things aren’t always what you expect. There was so many promises. So many things that made me believe that moving my family was for the best, even though James didn’t want to come here. People who were excited and planning to see me and the children “once a week” for coffees, catch ups and so on are hardly around. Living in a town where I know people but don’t see them doesn’t make me less lonely than living in a town where I didn’t know a soul. And it’s not like I want to be constantly seeing people, either. I just never thought certain people would be too busy to see me. And I certainly never thought they’d be too busy to see the kids. I never thought they’d be seeing other people’s children more than mine when we’re blood. And family means something, right? Maybe not.

So, here we are and things aren’t what I expected. Not that they ever are. And, of course, there have been some pluses and some breakthroughs for me. It’s not all bad, but right now it all feels pretty bad. You see I have immense guilt at forcing my husband to come here. This move could have detrimental effects on our marriage, but I believed I would be better and there fore family life would be too. I believed that his questions about our future in this area would soon disappear and he too would realise this was for us. Unfortunately, his ponderings in our decision making have all been right. All of them. And that’s not easy for me to say. He’s such a smarty bum.

“Will you even see him?” turns out, no. “How do you know that’ll happen?” It won’t. Shut up. “Will they even stay there?” No, we’ll come here and everyone will bail.

And that’s the clincher, where all the guilt is coming from – I promised we wouldn’t be moving in vain. I said “Of course they’ll stay! Why wouldn’t they if we’re there and they couldn’t move before?” And I believed that. Stupid.

We’ve not even been here a year, not even settled into our own place and both my parents are leaving. Probably before the end of the year. Of course they have to do what’s best for them but it sucks. Of course, that negative part of me can’t shut the hell up about this, understandably so; if you were told to move somewhere because life would be easier and the people you were moving to be closer to couldn’t move to be closer to you only to drag your young family away from their home and all the services you had in place only to have those same people suddenly decide they were in fact moving closer to where you had been in the first place? Yeah, you’d take it personally too. I know it’s not personal. Mostly. Maybe.

Right now, I just want us to be in our own place. Getting our routines back, getting organised and figuring out life without all the support I thought I would have. For whatever reason I can’t get services here and so I no longer have a Councillor and family support to see me, so that’s another thing I need to come to terms with and work around. It’s not until you no longer have these things that you realise they were quite important. Turns out I need to look to myself. Maybe I should have learnt that before prancing off on a ‘it takes a village’ move.

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Becky, I’m so sorry. We moved inter-state with high hopes and dreams and spent the first 12 months wishing every day we were able to reverse and back out. The same happened when I moved to Australia {that was more like 18 months!}. I do hope you find your ‘right track’ sooner rather than later. In the mean time, I’m here till the end of your ranty pants post. Sometimes thats just what’s needed…. YOU told me that! 😉

  2. Aww Becky, sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. I hope you guys find a fab place soon, I know just how tricky it can be living with others x

  3. It is a lesson, one that is hard, but people in your life will always always move. That is life. The beauty is that there are lots,of people who are moving in too, you just have to meet them.

    It is ok to move again too.

    If you had what you needed in the old town, go back and say hello tothe place.

    Changing your mind is really ok. Live where you have what you need, not the people you want, as they will always move around, travel, change etc, but if you have everything else, you will be ok.

    We moved a lot when I grew up, I can’t think of anything worse than staying in the one place for the rest of my life.

  4. Oh Becky, I’m feeling for you honey. Sometimes it’s just so hard to know what to do. What is your heart telling you? It must be so hard to live with 8 peoples in such a small space. Things will probably seem much better when you can settle. The truth is we often wander around for a while (whether physically or metaphorically) before we settle. I think the wandering is supposed to teach us something – but to be honest I’m not really sure 🙂

  5. I would be peeved too and I would take it personally as much as I was intellectually/mentally able to process what was happening me heart isn’t as clever. In lots of ways I agree with Claire and at the same time, I’ve lived away from my family for 9 years and struggled with serious homesickness and lonliness for the first 6-7 of those years. It’s only been in the past 2years or so that Melbourne has really felt like home and for me. It’s hard being away from the people you love and from the idea of support – whether or not it would be that way you imagine it in reality…I am rambling, just wanted to say it sucks and I’m sorry you’re facing these decisions. x

  6. Good luck.

    I really don’t see that you are out of line in feeling at least a bit hurt by their move. It sounds like something they should have thought of too.

    The guilt is understandable, and it sounds like it is not working out. But sometimes things just take a while to settle….

    It is also ok to say “alright, this didn’t work, I am sorry… Shall we move back?”.

    Best wishes with the battle of the thoughts.

  7. I agree with Claireyhewett and Louisa. Sorry to hear you are feeling crap and I think its fair to be upset about the others moving! I moved to Adelaide and like Louisa, I feel very homesick at times. I’ve been here for 2.5 years now and dream of going home to Sydney for cuppas and outings but reality is people are busy with their lives and we would probably only see them for special occasions, but at least thats more than not at all. I too am starting to ramble lol but point is its ok to feel these things and its ok to change your mind. Hopefully you find a new house soon and the sickness will rack off.

  8. I second what everyone else has already said. It’s to be expected you would feel hurt by this move. Your feelings are going to be even more under attack given how sick you’ve all been and because you feel so unsettled. Do what’s best for you and your family is the only advice I can give. Never do anything major (like moving) based on other people, because even family will let you down sadly. I really hope you can find a place soon and you start to feel better xxx

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