Goodbye Angel

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As Saturday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day I thought now would be an appropriate time to talk a bit about the other reason I have not been around so much. Apart from the Blojo issues and sickness.

Recently, I reached that 12 week mark, unfortunately, it didn’t end up being something I got to share with friends and family.

We were unexpectedly expecting baby #4 and it was terrifying, exciting, stressful and thrilling all at once. Considering we thought we were done having babies it was quite a shock, but soon it was simply reality. As someone who has always wanted (and assumed I would have) four children, I settled into the pregnancy much faster than James who worried a lot about money and spent countless nights looking up 7 seater cars to fit our expanding family.

I am literally the worst pregnant woman. I never glow, I am always sick and exhausted with all the niggles you can imagine, including a recurrence of my SPD, which was a prominent problem in my pregnancy with Jasper. On top of all this, the effects of my last c-section meant my scar was stretching and hurting and my belly burning as bubs grew. I’m miserable being pregnant but thrilled to be pregnant, if that makes sense at all.

Discovering we were about to have another baby was a big deal and I would go between excitement to complete panic attacks about having to go through the whole birth process again.

Given that our conception to birth success rate is less than 40%, we kept this our little secret, even though our little girl made her presence felt very early on with plummeting energy levels practically from conception, random vomiting with no warning, severely low iron and movements from 10 weeks.

One night, I even had a dream, as vivid as real life in which I saw my Angel – her chubby cheeks, pink cherry lips, big blue eyes framed by long lashes and golden curls. She was the perfect mix of her sisters and brother while being perfectly herself all at once. It was such a clear dream, it felt so real that I was (and still am) convinced that this is what my Angel would have looked like. If only I could take a picture of what I see in my head, as I know the crystal clear image I see now won’t stay that way as life goes on and years pass.

The past few months have been full on and stressful and exhausting. We had to re-evaluate our whole life and the plans we’ve had and started to dream of a family of 6, with three little girls, a big car and lots of changes. And then, nothing.

I have to accept there can be no more pregnancies and no more babies. There is no way my body, incision scar and internal scarring could withstand and support a pregnancy and birth. A simple ultrasound left me feeling as if my whole stomach was going to split open from my scar.

I find these kids of things very hard to talk about and, in fact, after my first miscarriage I became one of those women who didn’t talk (or even write) about these issues as I had those comments “Everyone has losses”, “It’s for the best” and the questions “Do you feel… you know…” Empty? Yes. Whether there’s truth to those statements or not, they are not helpful to a mother who is trying to put her life back together and come to terms with the shattering of the dreams that had started forming in her mind as her child grew in her womb.

I do think the silence surrounding pregnancy loss, miscarriage and stillbirth should be lifted, I think women should be able to speak out. However, I will only be speaking out through the blog and I ask my friends and family to respect my wishes to not speak about what we have been through. When I write I am able to cleanse and express myself the way I want. When I speak I can’t make a single clear thought come out of my mouth. So, please, don’t ask me the pointed “How are you?” if you see me because I will probably not have a single comprehensible thing to say. I do accept chocolates, coffees, gifts, weekends away and so on, hehe. For the record, I am okay. I have my moments, but time and cuddles with my babies is helping .

If you leave a comment I appreciate them and thank you in advance, in case I don’t reply to them in the near future x

FYBF

19 Comments

  1. Prayers and thoughts with you Becky. Such a loss for you and your family. xx

  2. Lately, I’ve been having very vivid dreams about a third child. Whether it will be or not is another matter, but sometimes the picture of that child is so real, it’s as if they already exist. That was the same feeling I had reading your post. Saddened to hear of your gorgeous angel 🙁

  3. I am so sorry for your loss Becky and so sorry you have been going through this. xx

  4. I’m so sorry you had to go through this Becky, but I’m glad to see you are feeling clear about it.
    Thinking of you x

  5. Sorry to hear this B.

    Wishing you lots of support from close family and friends.

  6. Dearest Becky… I couldn’t even look at the M word after my first loss. I completely get where you’re at. Love to you. Hold the memories of that dream close. What a beautiful gift you were given in that. I’m so sorry she didn’t stay.

  7. Hugs Becky. Almost 7 years ago, I dreamt of what my little boy would look like, I can still picture that little boy vividly xxxx

  8. Oh Hunni, you had me in tears reading this. I’m so sorry for your loss, huge, really huge hugs ((x)). It’s 15 years since my first angel said goodbye and just 7 months since my last angel said goodbye. You never forget them, stop dreaming about what they may have looked like or stop aching for them. So hugs, it’s all I have but they’re yours xx

  9. I have no words Becky, but my heart hurts for you. I have a friend who had a very very similar dream about her little girl who she lost at about the same time. It always makes me smile when she talks about it – a very special gift she gave you. Take care of you ((hugs)) Cazxx

  10. Dear Becky & James,
    You are in my thoughts so very much at this time in your lives which has been a roller coaster of unimagined events. Then a little glimmer started. Some hope mixed with love & fear. An Angel. Who stayed for a short time but whose memory is forever in your hearts.
    Much love, extra hugs too …. Denyse xxxx

  11. I’m so sorry Becky, my heart goes out to you.

  12. Oh Becky – I have no words either, just love.
    I have no doubt the face of your angel will stay vivid in your memory and your heart forever. *hugs*
    Love to you Becky and James xx

  13. Hugs Becky xxx

  14. I’m so very sorry. I don’t pretend to know you, I found you via FYBF. But I am truly sorry for your loss. The first baby we lost (we’ve lost several) was at that 12.5 week mark. And I too, had the clearest picture in my head. I actually lost her at home, in my hands, unlike any of my other losses. It is devestating.

    My last baby, a beautiful HUGE boy also ruined any chances for future pregnancies for me. My dream of a huge family has been cut down, but I’m fortunate enough to have the two beautiful boys I have. But Extreme SPD, a twisted pelvis, painful scar…as well as a couple of chronic major health issues mean I’m done too.

    So I sympathise with that part of your loss as well. It is the loss of a future you’d imagined. I’m glad you’re able to write about it here, on your blog. I hope this is a safe place for you and you can write it all out.

    Wishing I could send you chocolates and good coffee.

    xxxx Melissa

  15. Oh Becky. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s such an empty statement but I feel so keenly for you. xx

  16. When I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my fourth, we had about 5 minutes of stunned silence and then nothing but absolute joy. To lose our angel at 10 weeks was devastating. I think because we have older children we know the potential of what we have lost. I still think about the babies I lost; what they might look like, what personalities they might have; and then I go hug my kids a little tighter.
    Thinking of you, James and the kids and thank you for sharing xoxoxoxoxxo

  17. xo

  18. so sorry. and I’m sorry I’m only reading this now. I worried about you on twitter but I worried silently and I’m sorry about that. Sending love and chocolate and no silly questions or platitudes. <3

  19. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely

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