How Moving Led to me Talking to Myself
One of the worst side effects of our move has been the change in the conversations James and I have. As a mother of three children under 5 I wait for his arrival home and crave discussion, not to mention we’re at a pivotal point where we need to be making decisions. Unfortunately, our conversations are no longer deep and meaningful as they once were. These days they are concentrated on his day at work or the weather. Yes, the weather. But, to be fair, he is quite obsessed with his weather app and likes to remind me how cold it’s going to be.
For a while I didn’t take too much notice of the change, I figured we were busy and tired and still getting used to all the changes, dealing with the disappointment and making a life for ourselves. Then, late one night I tried to raise the subject of our faltering conversations and all the things that are left unsaid because I had started to feel like he was shutting me out as apposed to simply not having the energy.
Sometimes being right isn’t great and doesn’t make you feel good, as is the case here. My choice to believe the word of others about how life would be, my NEED to believe that things would be better because ‘it takes a village’ over James’ insistence that something was amiss and that things would not actually be the rosy picture we all had in our head coupled with the reality of what we had come to had led my husband to believe his opinion was of little consequence to me. Being shown that he had reason to question what would really happen when we took our whole life somewhere else and knowing that I had chosen, even though it was out of desperate necessity, to believe otherwise put doubt in his mind that his words were of value to me and I suppose that nagging thought led to him censoring what he shared.
Now that we’re aware, there’s the chance to move past the walls, though it can be difficult and tiresome. It’s work now, whereas it was once simply how life was. I believe it will get better and I plan to make James see just how much his thoughts and words are valued, but it will take time. Which, I don’t feel we have when there are pressing matters afoot.
For me, this realisation has been crushing. The whole moving situation has me riddled with guilt for so many reasons on a daily basis. Especially when we’re leaving Nanna’s (after our visit to Costco) with a completely heartbroken Ellie in tears and pain or when she’s asking when Nanna will visit and I know that my bringing us here means we’re further away from her now that she’s moved than we would have been had we stayed.
Knowing what I do now? I would never have come here. The stress it’s put on our relationship, the way it hasn’t actually changed a thing except to make me lonelier has not been worth it. At all.
Thankfully, having Kirsty here is one blessing which stops me feeling like it’s been a complete write off.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Tell me it turned out well, yes?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT