How Moving Led to me Talking to Myself

One of the worst side effects of our move has been the change in the conversations James and I have. As a mother of three children under 5 I wait for his arrival home and crave discussion, not to mention we’re at a pivotal point where we need to be making decisions. Unfortunately, our conversations are no longer deep and meaningful as they once were. These days they are concentrated on his day at work or the weather. Yes, the weather. But, to be fair, he is quite obsessed with his weather app and likes to remind me how cold it’s going to be.

For a while I didn’t take too much notice of the change, I figured we were busy and tired and still getting used to all the changes, dealing with the disappointment and making a life for ourselves. Then, late one night I tried to raise the subject of our faltering conversations and all the things that are left unsaid because I had started to feel like he was shutting me out as apposed to simply not having the energy.

Sometimes being right isn’t great and doesn’t make you feel good, as is the case here. My choice to believe the word of others about how life would be, my NEED to believe that things would be better because ‘it takes a village’ over James’ insistence that something was amiss and that things would not actually be the rosy picture we all had in our head coupled with the reality of what we had come to had led my husband to believe his opinion was of little consequence to me. Being shown that he had reason to question what would really happen when we took our whole life somewhere else and knowing that I had chosen, even though it was out of desperate necessity, to believe otherwise put doubt in his mind that his words were of value to me and I suppose that nagging thought led to him censoring what he shared.

Now that we’re aware, there’s the chance to move past the walls, though it can be difficult and tiresome. It’s work now, whereas it was once simply how life was. I believe it will get better and I plan to make James see just how much his thoughts and words are valued, but it will take time. Which, I don’t feel we have when there are pressing matters afoot.

For me, this realisation has been crushing. The whole moving situation has me riddled with guilt for so many reasons on a daily basis. Especially when we’re leaving Nanna’s (after our visit to Costco) with a completely heartbroken Ellie in tears and pain or when she’s asking when Nanna will visit and I know that my bringing us here means we’re further away from her now that she’s moved than we would have been had we stayed.

Knowing what I do now? I would never have come here. The stress it’s put on our relationship, the way it hasn’t actually changed a thing except to make me lonelier has not been worth it. At all.

Thankfully, having Kirsty here is one blessing which stops me feeling like it’s been a complete write off.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Tell me it turned out well, yes?

Linking up with Jess for IBOT

 

13 Comments

  1. I think many people have been in the same position. Relationships do have there ups and downs and communication is affected by them. It’s hard when you are feeling alienated, lonely and raising the children. I found that when I felt this way, I worked on me, and then our relationship started to get better as a result. I realised how I was feeling and that wasn’t his problem but mine and I am responsible for how I feel. Does any of that make sense or was it just a mush of words? It will work out. Rachel x

    • Thank you Rachel. I am trying the whole ‘work on me’ thing. Getting on the treadmill and changing things.

  2. Oh Becky. My heart goes out to you. They say that one of the top 3 stressful things in life (next to changing jobs and public speaking) is moving house. So, I don’t think you’re alone with what you’re going through.
    And marriage/relationships…they’re hard work as it is…without the usual stresses of life.
    But like you said, at least you guys are aware. That’s a really positive step. You’ll get there. As Rachel said, it will all work out x

    • Thank you so much for your caring comment, Grace. By moving I made my husband do two of the top 3, as he also had to change jobs.
      I hope being aware will help us. Thank you again x

  3. Aw Becky, I’m sorry things are so tough at the moment. Moving is such hard work, and it makes it so much more difficult when you feel the way you are now. Hoping things begin to look up soon x

    • Thank you MsMandie. I didn’t realise how difficult moving was until we did it – such a horror!

  4. Oh Beckeroo 🙁 *hugs*
    I’m so sorry. I had a part in the rosy life stories asking you to move here … And I haven’t exactly been the best sister or friend.
    I soooo love having you guys here! I love watching your lil munchkins grow.
    Maybe if we start sending James and Nath on a “manly date night” as well as our own it might help conversations flow? 🙂
    Please let me know if and when I can help. I suck with the spontaneous msgs and stuff so please do ask whenever and whatever k?
    Love you hunni bunch! Xx

    • Oh, my love. YOU are keeping my head above water. I love you x

  5. Having never moved from Darwin, I can’t offer anything helpful I’m sorry.
    I just hope you can work past this.
    Sometimes I feel like Tim and I don’t get enough time to talk deeply, but going for long car trip helps. Perhaps because there are no distractions?

    • Thank Jess. It is hard to find the time and the space to talk. We used to do long trips and talk as the kiddos slept. I agree, no distractions (and no ability to get away;)

  6. Having moved to a new area away from friends and family, I know where you’re coming from. I also know that it’s extremely hard work with 3 kids under 5. I have struggled with loneliness since our move, but I’ve tried to get out there and meet people. Fortunately my older 3 are at school, so that’s made it somewhat easier. It’s good that you’ve been able to talk about things with your husband – and that’s such a huge step in the right direction so that you’re now on the same page. Hoping things improve for you.

    • The irony of this is that we moved TO my family only to have my mum move and my dad busy working. We see them less now than we did before, as we were visiting monthly before.
      Thank you for your comment, Debbie!

  7. Hi Becky, your post is sad because I can read a bit between the lines that life since the move is not ideal for either of you. Something have learned (the hard way as wel) is that a husband needs and wants to feel “in charge” even if in this day & age that sounds strange. It’s in men’s genes to be the hunter & gatherer and in women’s to be the Carer and mother…it may sound weird but James sounds like he has been overlooked for the value of his opinion & that his wife whose highest priority is loving & caring for 3 kids under 5 doesn’t value what he says. This may sound harsh to you as you read but in all honesty I have made many mistakes over the years in my relationship and most have been as a result of “not listening or paying REAL” attention to my husband’s views. I am so sorry Becky things are quite low at the moment. I hope very much that you & James reconnect as you used to before this move. Denyse x

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