#31

baby hand, baby hand and wedding rings, cute, newborn baby photography,

While coming up with thirty things to achieve before my thirtieth birthday in June 2013 was somewhat difficult I had one unofficial part of the list, #31, basically from the start. Have another baby.

#31 because it’s the most unlikely and I wanted my list to be as achievable as possible. Number thirty one because I couldn’t leave it unwritten.

With my loss last October and the passing of her due date, I have been emotional and somewhat focused on whether or not that was to be my last ever, ever pregnancy. I wrote these words in a post; I have to accept there can be no more pregnancies and no more babies and at the time I had no doubt that this was true. I was raw. Emotional and unable to see a point in the future where I would ever want to go back to being pregnant.

Turns out, I was completely and utter wrong. I do not feel done. Four babies feels so right, when my nephew comes it’s almost as if I can see that point of contentment. I’m not ready to put away the cot and the baby carrier, the little clothes, the tiny toes…

Unfortunately, there is a point of contention. James is of the anti-baby stance. Although, I can see this being his strong opinion up until the point where I have decided there’s no more babies and then he will have changed his mind. I’ve got money on that being exactly how this plays out.

And there is a point of no return for me. There has been since my second brother was born 10 years after me. My mother was in her thirties. I remember her pregnancy. Crying over my tenth birthday cake. From that moment I was never going to have a child after 30. Ever, ever.

Mum went back and Caleb was born when I was 12. The generational gap between us one of those love/hate things. Josh and I were old enough to think the baby was cute but also old enough to remember the crying at all hours and the not-so-great baby bits. As we’ve all grown up it’s been much the same. I spent my teen years taking them everywhere with me and then I got older and moved out.

My parents have two adult children and four grandchildren and they are still dealing with the teen years. That does not appeal to me. At all. I know I would be a grumpy ‘older’ mum and once we are officially done I will be having measures taken to avoid any additional gifts.

I have been clear on this point for eighteen years now. And as thirty approaches I find myself thinking of my stance a little differently. Having spent so much of my twenties pregnant, actually most of it, I am looking to my thirties as a new era of pregnancy freeness. It is something I look forward to. I’ve never enjoyed pregnancy, having experienced too many miscarriages, morning sickness 24/7, Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, anemia. The list goes on. I am probably the whiniest pregnant woman in the world (just ask James).

And so, it happens that #31 on my 30 Before 30 list is actually the most pressing. If it’s to happen, we need to be in agreeance soon. Like, yesterday.

I strongly believe that you are only done when you feel you are. I don’t feel done.

What about you? Are you in the same predicament, planning more or are you done?

 

 

7 Comments

  1. I am so totally done. I can not do PND again. I struggle with the two gorgeous kids I have now. I already have plans for when they are both at school, (at least 3 years away).
    I know I am done. Very content with the two I have.
    But you are right, you’re not done until you feel done. I hope James comes around and I wish you a happy healthy full term pregnancy. <3

    • Thank you for your comment, lovely Toushka.

  2. I would love to have one baby before 30, and preferably be married. But with a year and 2 months to go, I don’t think it’s going to happen!

    • A year and 2 months is plenty of time to have a baby in 😉 hehe.

  3. Although I do agree that a woman knows when she is done (or not done) it doesn’t mean that this can’t change. Sometimes something in life happens that completely changes the way we look at, or feel about, things. Once you go past three children there is a lot of practical things to consider e.g. you no longer fit in a car. As well as the additional cost of buying a suitable vehicle (a van or a 4wd) the ongoing costs are also greater. Everything multiplies; it doesn’t cost a lot to feed & clothe 4 children, but one day you’d be feeding & clothing 4 teenagers. I’m glad I had my 4, but it was a lot of work. I am also glad I stopped when I did (yes, we were seriously contemplating having a fifth – I was sure I wasn’t “done”).Something happened (to someone else) which made me re-evaluate. I decided it was time to stop being pregnant/caring for an infant, & put ALL my energy into raising the ones I had. My children are all adults now & I’m young enough to enjoy that freedom. I’m also young enough to absolutely RELISH being a grandma! I have no regrets.

    • Thanks for your comment, Sharon. It’s great to hear a perspective from someone who’s been here. Having to move from our car to a van is James’ main issue. We have to purchase another car soon, anyway, but the ‘van’ thing isn’t making him happy!!
      I know, once I know for sure what we’re doing, that I will move on from the pregnancy/birth/baby part of life but being in this limbo makes it difficult for me to forget I want another.
      I’ve seen some photos of your little grandson, he’s adorable. Such a lovely time for you x

  4. Must seem a little like I am stalking your blog right now! After reading your most recent post I went to read your 30 before 30 list {and I plan to do something similar, would like to write it when I turn 28 next Feb} and #31 jumped out of me.

    While I find motherhood hard {and my kids are 12 months apart and both still toddlers at 2 & 1} I am not sure I am done either. I thought I was. I thought 2 kids was “me” but now I am not so sure. Hub & I are still debating {I gave birth to my 2nd bub at 31 weeks and I really do not want to go through THAT again, especially not in a country where I have to communicate in a language that is not my native tongue.} but like you I also want to be done by the time I am 30 so we will need to make the decision to get pregnant or not sooner rather than later. My issue is that my husband would really like a girl and I think a girl would be nice but when I think about my family I can also see 3 boys as well- my husband is not sure about another boy and well we all know that you can`t just hope you get a girl and it happens.

    For us the cost of international travel to visit my family in Australia and also the possibility of having our children do some of their education overseas is another big factor. We are not sure we could afford for me and the kids to travel home once a year if we have another bub. At the moment the arrangement is that I go once a year, with the kids and my husband comes every second year. If we add another baby this would only be possible if I returned to full-time work and I think in the long run I would regret this because my children`s English would suffer if I had to put them into Japanese daycare so ideally I want them at home with me until they are 4 and then do 2 years of kindy {3 is the norm, I will put them in for 2} and do afterschooling in English.

    Such a tough decision for me to make! I am sure for you and your family as well.

    I hope your wishes come true!

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