While coming up with thirty things to achieve before my thirtieth birthday in June 2013 was somewhat difficult I had one unofficial part of the list, #31, basically from the start. Have another baby.
#31 because it’s the most unlikely and I wanted my list to be as achievable as possible. Number thirty one because I couldn’t leave it unwritten.
With my loss last October and the passing of her due date, I have been emotional and somewhat focused on whether or not that was to be my last ever, ever pregnancy. I wrote these words in a post; I have to accept there can be no more pregnancies and no more babies and at the time I had no doubt that this was true. I was raw. Emotional and unable to see a point in the future where I would ever want to go back to being pregnant.
Turns out, I was completely and utter wrong. I do not feel done. Four babies feels so right, when my nephew comes it’s almost as if I can see that point of contentment. I’m not ready to put away the cot and the baby carrier, the little clothes, the tiny toes…
Unfortunately, there is a point of contention. James is of the anti-baby stance. Although, I can see this being his strong opinion up until the point where I have decided there’s no more babies and then he will have changed his mind. I’ve got money on that being exactly how this plays out.
And there is a point of no return for me. There has been since my second brother was born 10 years after me. My mother was in her thirties. I remember her pregnancy. Crying over my tenth birthday cake. From that moment I was never going to have a child after 30. Ever, ever.
Mum went back and Caleb was born when I was 12. The generational gap between us one of those love/hate things. Josh and I were old enough to think the baby was cute but also old enough to remember the crying at all hours and the not-so-great baby bits. As we’ve all grown up it’s been much the same. I spent my teen years taking them everywhere with me and then I got older and moved out.
My parents have two adult children and four grandchildren and they are still dealing with the teen years. That does not appeal to me. At all. I know I would be a grumpy ‘older’ mum and once we are officially done I will be having measures taken to avoid any additional gifts.
I have been clear on this point for eighteen years now. And as thirty approaches I find myself thinking of my stance a little differently. Having spent so much of my twenties pregnant, actually most of it, I am looking to my thirties as a new era of pregnancy freeness. It is something I look forward to. I’ve never enjoyed pregnancy, having experienced too many miscarriages, morning sickness 24/7, Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, anemia. The list goes on. I am probably the whiniest pregnant woman in the world (just ask James).
And so, it happens that #31 on my 30 Before 30 list is actually the most pressing. If it’s to happen, we need to be in agreeance soon. Like, yesterday.
I strongly believe that you are only done when you feel you are. I don’t feel done.
What about you? Are you in the same predicament, planning more or are you done?