Me and PND: The Little Pill

Antidepressant, pill, medication

Yesterday, I took my medication. You may not be about to cheer and give me a parade for that, but I can assure you that James probably is and if he’s not it’s probably because he’s gone into an exhausted coma after having to deal with my non-medicated self for days and days and days on end.

I am good at taking my pills on a daily basis, just so long as someone else is keeping track of when I am going to run out. I think I am still living in the time when we would breakfast together and James would bring me my tablets and knew when I needed more to be ordered.

The first day off my meds is always okay. Sometimes it’s even good. So good that I think I can, maybe, see the light at the end of the medicated tunnel. But, once I get to day two, I crash and burn. I am exhausted, dizzy and, quite frankly, horrible.

Everything gets on my nerves. Birds singing in the morning, children laughing and (oh-for-the-love-of-everything-that-is-sane) playing, the dog being all doggy and the husband just being. People looking at me sideways. Not to mention that Willy Wag Tail that dances on the fence while I hang clothes, he could NOT be any more annoying. If. He. Tried. Seriously, why so peppy? And singy?

Even my most legitimate issues come out as a tirade of mammoth proportions which render them practically pointless, because the way I addressed it made them seem purely like the ramblings of a crazy person. Which just makes me more crazy because I know I have an actual REAL point, dammit.

And then I get to the point where I start to wonder. I wonder about myself and who I really am. I wonder if this horrible so-and-so is the real me. If I am a narky, grumpy, short tempered person naturally and that by taking my antidepressants I am changing myself into someone I am not. And I hate the thought of this being me. The longer the thought is allowed to sit, the more it seems to me to be the case. It makes sense, after all, this is my brain untouched.

Number 79 of my 101 in 1001 is ‘Come off my PND meds’, but every time I end up not having them for one reason or another I become more convinced that I might never be off them. And I struggle with whether I’m okay with that or not. Am I me on them? Will I forever be negative and overly anxious when not medicated? Am I me now that I have finally popped that little pill? Should this be something I am aspiring to or should I accept that this is how I keep myself balanced?

Right now, I am happy to leave the questions behind and get through the tough part of getting back on the meds. As well as figuring out a workable system for when I need a new order placed.

If you hear cheering while reading this, it’s definitely James doing the happy dance that life is starting to realign.

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10 Comments

  1. I think that most people have that fear when they are on antidepressants. Wondering if they are just a negative and depressive person, and these “happy pills” are turning them into someone else. When you come off them, the doctor will wean you off, so to stop any side effects, or crashing and burning. Good luck xx

  2. I suffered PND alone. I denied I had it and I ignored people’s advice and comforts.. I wish I had seen a doctor. I wish I had the courage to take the advice and ignore my own ‘its just me no one else needs to worry’.

    I think you need to do what you need to do. And no one else can give you the answer of what is right or wrong 🙂

  3. I’ve never suffered from PND, or any other depression for that matter. But I can be narky, grumpy and short-tempered… usually once a month! And Chrissie is correct, when the time comes your doctor will likely wean you off, rather than take the ‘cold turkey’ approach. x

  4. “I am happy to leave the questions behind and get through the tough part of getting back on the meds.” – Wise words, Becky.
    I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through but it seems to me you’re letting yourself ‘just be’ rather than fight it. And that can only be a good thing.
    Sending you support and love x

  5. I get this. This was my struggle just recently when I tried to wean off mine, but I got about 2 1/2 weeks in before I crashed big time.
    It doesn’t make you question everything; without them there is no clarity; just a foggy haze that you try to muddle through to work out what is actually true.
    I hope one day you don’t need that little pill, but if you do, I hope you learn to be ok with that too. Xxx

  6. It’s the old thing of if you had diabetes, to make yourself well, You wouldn’t think twice about taking your insulin. There is a stigma in society with meds for mental health that needs to be removed. You need to be comfortable with whatever is best for you and your health and know that being on meds long term is not a weakness, or a negative, it is sometimes what it takes to keep you healthy. Good luck xx

  7. What an accurate portrayal. You are brave and strong, it is much easier to put your head in the sand and ignore than it is do something about it.
    Wishing you lots of luck on your journey x

  8. I cope with all of that uncertainty about my medicated Vs. non-medicated self by never stopping my meds…
    I used to do it a lot! But it really made everything so much worse, I was just double the train wreck, twice as often. I wouldn’t notice when I was running out or was to afraid of the chemist…
    Now that I’m a happy little pill-popper (and happy with my meds) I really don’t think about it any more. Because I feel freaking normal! And as uncertain a prospect as that may be… I like it!
    ox

  9. Yay for remembering. Yay for James helping too. More than anything though, I am glad you are staying the course. It is not the ‘end’ of anything to be taking meds. We are lucky that these days there are meds. when there were not…I’d rather not say. I am glad you are back.
    Love Denyse

  10. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely, thank you for sharing.

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