Crying in Funny Movies
This morning I watched a comedy and cried most of the way through it. And it wasn’t even tears of laughter or this-movie-is-so-lame crying. And the tears weren’t kept only for the touching moments, oh no.
Things have been tough of late and this movie was about parents, grandparents, parenting, loving and the ideals we hold ourselves to that, maybe, aren’t really working. It was about shifting your focus, seeing things in a new light and doing some things differently (well, it was for me).
As I said above, things have been tough. This new start hasn’t been all shiny, organised and floaty like I imagined it would be (maybe the ‘floaty’ bit should have indicated that I was basing my expectations in some weird day dream). There has been too much fighting, biting, hitting, lying, a lot of yelling from everyone, moments of complete break down and way too much stress.
I’ve been telling myself that the current leaning towards the three of them attacking each other rather than playing together is a phase, or how they’re dealing with all the changes. I’ve been trying to forget just how many times I raise my voice in order to get their attention or how many times I wished I could just be. alone.
In short things are a mess. Literally and metaphorically.
It’s a weird limbo where I can’t seem to get much done, I can’t make the headway I want to in order to address what needs to be changed/shifted. I’m too tired to keep treading water and am at a sink or swim stage. And before today, before actual crying through a funny movie, I though that maybe I might drown.
Then, I came out of a funny movie, all blotchy and swollen and I felt like, maybe, I might swim.
I still have no idea exactly what we’re going to do or how we’re going to make the changes. I’m still unsure of where the energy to do so will come from. But, I feel more positive now. I don’t know if it was the movie, the cleansing of the crying or the fact that I was alone today for the first time in practically forever but there’s been enough of a shift in my thoughts and feelings.
What felt like failure this morning now feels like a building block tonight. And, this afternoon was SO much better than every other afternoon we’ve had since Ellie started school. Sometimes, I think we need to re-frame what we consider our failures to be in order to move in the right direction.
Happy Valentines Day!