On Not Coping
Sometimes, when I’m not coping, things around here aren’t that great. If I am honest with myself, things haven’t been the same within our family since early last September, when James first left us all behind in Bathurst and started his new-old job and I did some solo parenting, lots of traveling, house searching and a whole lot of not coping.
Of course, things can’t always be sunshine, beaches and zoo visits, but a little more certainly wouldn’t hurt. It’s that old thing, where if things are good they’re really good – in that moment. And when things are bad? They’re really bad.
I’d been desperately hanging out for our Pink weekend, I had tried to organise other times for me to get a break but nothing was coming together, so I was holding onto that weekend as a time to recharge, reset and start again. A time to leave all the difficulties since September behind and just go forward as a new, refreshed woman.
Of course, I set myself up for failure in looking forward so intently and placing every last bit of strength into getting to that point. We didn’t sleep, we didn’t relax. It was wonderful and worth it but also taxing. I came home, fully seeing a beautiful reunion and a shift in all those family dynamics which were plaguing us only to be greeted by over tired, sick children.
This week was meant to be a realigning of life. I was going to get everything under control and organised, instead I am trying to get ahead in a house that has, seemingly, imploded on itself out of spite for me. The more I forge ahead, the more bogged down I get. I am beginning to look around and feel utterly despondent. Anything I can get done they can undo in double time.
There’s too much yelling. There are things I started to allow back in September because it was what I needed to do to get through that time. We do what we’ve gotta do, right? But, there have been reasons to continue to let things slip and it’s almost been a year!
Things need to change. I know that. I do.
I’m just so exhausted. But, it turns out throwing my hands in the air and yelling more than I would like just isn’t getting us anywhere. Crazy, I know.
Where we go from here, I don’t really know.
How do you cope when you’re not coping at all?
Linking up with Jess for #ibot.