“You’re Not Invited”

I am so upset and angry right now. I know there are rules, guidelines and best practices surrounding blogging angry. I don’t care.

school
You see, Ellie is one third of a very close group of girls who do everything together. It has been this way practically since the very start of the year. They often have other little girls join with them and are friends with most of the girls in their class but these three have a special bond. I guess they’re a small group within a larger group, if that makes sense? This afternoon, two of those three girls were attending a ‘lovely party’ and one of those girls was not.

Obviously, that one girl was Ellie. Although, to be honest, I would be angry if it were either of the other girls, too.

A week or so ago, Ellie came home so excited, telling me this little girl had told her she was invited to her party but that the invites weren’t quite ready yet. A couple of days later, at dance, I saw the little girl and her mum with a little pile of invites, which – from a far – looked all pretty and handmade. When the mother saw me and Ellie’s class started coming out, the invites suddenly were hidden. I felt a twinge of worry but hoped I wasn’t right in my feeling that Ellie was, in fact, NOT to be invited.

The excitement still remained, soon this little girl would surely give out her invites. And, she had told Ellie she was invited but by all accounts the talk of the party had dried up.

Then, today, my fears were confirmed when Ellie’s bestie’s mum asked if she was off to the lovely party that afternoon. “No.” I said, “She wasn’t invited.” I found it quite difficult. As we returned to the car Ellie told me the little girl had come and told her today that she wasn’t invited and when I told her it was alright to feel a little upset about it she said she understood that everyone couldn’t be invited. She was so gracious even though she was also hurting.

I don’t expect her to be invited to all the parties that go on and I know there always has to be a line. We can’t all always invite everyone, but this just seems so harsh. Especially, after weeks and weeks of spending time near but not really WITH her friends because of dance recitals (including the birthday girl), where she ended up in a different class for reasons I am unsure of. She sadly watched as they practiced and spent time together. At one stage their was a ‘BOM BOM’ party held for the girls dancing in that to learn the dance better and to spend some time together. I heard the whispered planning of it and hoped like crazy Ellie wouldn’t know what she was missing out on.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be. The girl who was ‘hosting’ the BOM BOM party flat out told her that it was happening and that she couldn’t go. She came home and said to me “I was upset, but mum, I can’t cry at school.”

Today’s birthday girl and Ellie are quite good friends, I think. Or so it seemed. The thing I don’t understand is why they would ask her close friends and leave her out? Especially at such a young age. Especially when my girl had so passionately wanted to include everyone in her party, even the girl who had meanly taunted her about having not invited her in the beginning of the year (thankfully the two seem to now be good friends).

If Ellie wasn’t close to the birthday girl and the people she plays with, I would have no problem with her being excluded.

I really dislike when people try to put on a ‘I’m inclusive’ persona when they’re obviously really not.

And, something that makes me even angrier is that I was, again, party to the whispered talk of plans for this while in the dance hall. When Ellie was waiting on an invite I kept telling myself that surely, this mother wouldn’t have sat next to me and talk about such a lovely party that my daughter wouldn’t be part of? Surely?

Apparently, I was quite wrong about this mother and in the scheme of things, it’s just one party. Not a biggie. Maybe I am completely wrong to feel so upset. Maybe Ellie’s part of larger group doesn’t mean she should be included when the other girls are. Still. I am angry and saddened. And confused.

Anyway. I just needed to vent because while my girl handled it with hurt grace, I have been seething.

Have you ever had something like this happen?

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13 Comments

  1. That’s absolutely disgusting! That mother should be shamed of herself. I would be so angry now too. There’s nothing acceptable about that kind of behaviour

    • Thank you Jess. I was so caught up I wondered if I was wrong, but really – one more girl? I don’t understand and am so heart broken.

  2. The height of rudeness from that mother – I am livid for you. It’s actually a form of bullying and you have every right to be furious. Hugs to Ellie and you too xxx

    • Thank you Shari. It’s so hard not to take these things personally!

  3. Sounds like your raising a wonderful girl. It’s hard to invite everyone and I really think children need to be not only gracious when they aren’t invited but taught to be when they cant invite everyone.

    We had a little girls only party this year and one of hte boys who wasn’t even in her year but her brothers friends was so nasty after the fact. His Mum knew and didn’t care. I kept saying to her to be nice and say you couldn’t invite everyone but it hurt her being taunted all the time.

    I truly think it comes down to parenting and obviously as always Becky your doing the best job.

    • Thank you Annaleis, she is wonderful! I do agree, of course. We can’t just invite everyone and be invited to everything. Knowing that made me wonder if I was completely out of line in my feelings, which is why I needed to write this.

      I really feel for your daughter! What a terrible thing. We had an all girl party, too and I made the same point with Ellie. And do you mean, his mum knew he was being nasty about it and didn’t care? Oh, gosh, I hope not! That’s just heart breaking to see your little one hurt.

      This whole school/party/social thing is just so difficult.

  4. It’s only natural that you would be feeling this way. I would be too. When I was young, the same thing happened to me. I was so hurt & couldn’t understand why my friend hadn’t included me. I found out a long time later that my friend hadn’t been ALLOWED to invite me…….. I had pierced ears!

    • Thanks Sharon. It’s a hard thing to understand when you’re little. Ellie certainly doesn’t have her ears pierced, so that’s not it and what a reason to exclude someone! I am thinking more and more that it was more about not wanting ME there than her since having the opportunity to see the mum on a few occasions this past week.

  5. I’m feeling pretty much the same tonight after finding out at school this morning that the friend my Sienna is having over for a sleepover tomorrow can’t come til 5 as she’s going to another friend’s birthday party. The other friend happens to be one of Sienna’s inner circle, and I am so angry and hurt about it! Sienna doesn’t seem too bothered about it, she just kind of shrugged her shoulders but given that she’s always bugging me for playdates at this girls house, it makes me want to punch someone – preferably the mother!
    It is infinitely worse that your daughter’s friend told her she was invited tho, that’s cruel :(

    • Oh I just hate it :( Your poor girl and you. It’s so hard to understand, especially when they’re in the same circle.
      I hope her sleepover was lovely none-the-less. They’re amazing girls, really, while we’re all hurt and confused they’re being gracious and shrugging it off but it’s the inner dialogue and hurt that I worry about.

  6. Oh that’s seriously not cool. I’m totally with you! And I’m dreading when my kids get to that age for that very reason. I’ll have a hard time biting my tongue/ not getting to worked up/involved. Poor poppet. Xx

    • *too

      • It’s such a stressful time. I am so scared for my four year old when she starts next year as she is struggling to make friends with little girls her age. I think maybe parties should just be banned!
        But, then they go to a lovely party and it’s just all ‘ohh’ ‘ahh’ ‘what a lovely time’.
        Thankfully, I am not much for confrontation – I much prefer passive aggressive posts on my blog the whole world can read…

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