When you speak too soon

tired

I love this photo. I took it quickly as my four Munchies had a swing together and put my phone back in my pocket without checking it or taking another. They all looked super cute swinging together and I thought it was be a great pic. When I finally looked at it this morning, all I could do was laugh.

Somehow, I seem to have captured exactly how I have been feeling in this moment. Hot, uncomfortable, smothered, slightly optimistic, chubby, over it, exhausted and fed up with my hair and it’s desire to do whatever it pleases. I can so clearly see myself and where I am at in this moment, which I find so fascinating, especially considering they were actually having a blast.

It’s moments like these that are keeping me going right now. Little bursts of light, helping me push through.

Felix is waking every hour and has been doing so consistently for some time now (with the exception of those two nights recently when I made the mistake of thinking things had turned around) due to earaches, heat, teething and over-exhaustion. His day naps are either catnaps or nonexistent.

My exhaustion initially manifested itself exclusively in hardcore anxiety – mostly focused on Felix eating. I find myself obsessing over the food I’m giving him. Namely the size and whether it is soft enough for him to munch on without choking. I cut everything up into pieces, then I cut them again and again and then I cut them in half again. I get to the table, look at what I am about to give him and feel it’s too big. Often, I then don’t offer them and go with something else. Having done baby led weaning with all three big munchies, it is frustrating and ridiculous.

Baby led weaning, baby led weaning anxiety,

I don’t know why I worry, he just mashes everything into tiny pieces and then licks them off the table anyway…

My anxiety has started to creep into other areas of my life and, unfortunately, starting to see some unpleasant repercussions of having not had enough sleep. I see my crankiness, overwhelm, overreactions, rage, and feel just so blah within myself.

I’m trying, everyday I’m trying, to have patience, to enjoy these holiday days and to regulate my emotions and reactions. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute I am fighting to stay in the light and see positives.

Some days it is much harder than others to ignore the lies my mind is telling me; that I am the worst mother ever, that everyone else out there can easily cope with what I cannot, that I am the only mother feeling like this or that I have nothing to offer others just to name a few.

I recently posted a link to an article on my FB page about Mum’s needing a few days off and I am that mum. I’m at breaking point and need to recharge badly. Unfortunately, we don’t have what we need to pull that off. But, that post and others like it remind me I’m not really alone in my struggles, no matter what lies I’m being told.

I’ve got to hold onto that, to the knowledge that other people struggle from time to time to and maybe my words will remind someone else out there that they are not alone in this.

Linking up with Grace for FYBF

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4 Comments

  1. Og you are not alone lovely Becky. I head off to work for a break from my 4. These school holidays are great but they are long and kids get bored and then do not leave us alone. Nearly there – I can hear the school bell ringing from here.

  2. The lies of anxiety..why do we listen to them? Oh Becky, you have had such a tough year…yes you have. You adore your kids but Master Felix is not giving you any space and you had major surgery recently. Is there any way, one way, somehow you can have Becky time once the 3 are at school.Can you please please, give yourself time and let another person, maybe a daycare centre have Felix just a morning a week? I read this and I know you are not happy with yourself..please keep letting people know it’s hard right now and hopefully a plan will be made and you will follow through. Always up for a chat. Denyse xx

  3. I needed to read this today. I’m really really struggling to keep my head above the anxieties at the moment, but it helps to know that I”m not the only one. Thank you.

  4. I can totally relate to this post. There’s been many times I’ve had the same feelings of overwhelm, crankiness, tiredness and in need of a break. My girls are 7 & 4, there are moments when they really push my buttons and I lose my patience (what I have left) then feel terrible for doing so. I hope you get to have a break and time to yourself soon. 🙂

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