Hello, my name is Becky

felixandmummy2

Hello, my name is Becky. You might remember from my most recent post. Or maybe not. I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot lately but not getting around to actually blogging, even though I promised myself I would give it a good go this year.

I want to be here but I don’t have the energy to put together words and thoughts into something that makes sense and is worth reading. Although Felix’s sleep has been improving, I’m still struggling badly. It’s too late for it to be an easy fix with some more sleep now. And I don’t want to come here and carry on and whinge about how bad my life is, because it’s not bad, but I’m finding it so hard to enjoy the things I should be.

I also don’t want to not be here, not sharing my struggles because I know the value of sharing the truths of parenthood and postnatal depression. For others and myself.

mumandfelix1

Mostly, I am furious with myself. That I’m here and can’t find a way around or out. That I feel so frustrated when (all the time) any of my children follow me anywhere (everywhere) and want to share their stories and thoughts constantly. I’m heartbroken, because I love that and it won’t be long before they won’t want to do that but it is SO draining right now.

I hate that, instead of being happy to hear Felix’s waking noises, I sigh and think “Really, already?”.

I’m insanely lonely. I have started feeling overwhelming jealousy when I see mothers out having coffees, doing lunch or posting happy snaps on line with all their mummy friends. I’ve spent three years standing at the front gate at pick up and am still not finding much in the way of friendship. I’ve met some lovely ladies but the people I am expending my energy on while waiting at pick up are mostly those who are happy to move on when someone better to talk to arrives (my favourite time was recently when the lady who approached me stopped midway through her own sentence to go talk to someone else).

I’m hanging in there. Trying to go gently with myself and embrace what I can. Holding onto the idea of the holiday James has bought plane tickets for in August (please, please, please) and just doing what I can.

What else could I possibly do?

Thanks for letting me vent, got anything to get off your chest?

 

Linking up with Jess for #ibot

sig

15 Comments

  1. Feel free to get this off your chest anytime. It is important for your mental health and your ability to become a better mum. Hang in there and try to take a few breaths every day – just for yourself. You are doing an awesome job, remember that. #teamIBOT

  2. I’ve not been on your blog for a long time, so I seem to have missed a lot. Firstly, don’t believe the first thing that comes into your head re the other mothers. Can you approach those that are standing by themselves and start the conversation? I’ve noticed even in year 2 there seems to be a lot of those at my daughters school – at the other school everyone seemed more connected. Sometimes it is just bad luck with the year.
    I helped out in class with a mum I’ve never seen before the other day – tho our kids have been in the same class 2 years running.
    Babies and lack of sleep are tough – don’t underestimate it. That will be making everything seem harder (and everything BE harder). Cut yourself some slack.
    Can you catch up with some non kid related friends? Sometimes getting out of your fish bowl is good. (We swim in a very small circle most of the time – sometimes it’s good to stretch out).
    Could you organise a picnic – with kids and parents?
    Good luck and hang in there.

  3. Better out than in! Definitely get it off your chest. Where do you live? I’d love a cuppa!

  4. Lack of sleep for whatever reason really clouds our minds. I had it horribly a few years back. Vent, because keeping it in does no good at all!

  5. Oh I went through similar, until my children were old enough to play sport and then found many like minded friends. Sending hugs to you xx

  6. Sending you a big virtual hug! Hang in there! It’s tough when your children are young and you’re suffering from PND. Not enough mums talk about those tough times, making others feel they are on their own when going through similar times. Good on you for blogging about it!

  7. Sleep deprivation is such a killer too, It makes everything seem so much harder to overcome

  8. Oh my friend, it’s bloody tough. And I hear you, often school isn’t much better. But you’re still in the trenches, DEEP in the trenches…. You must have some time away, even to the supermarket once everyone is in bed. I feel your pain, I have been there and it sucks. Not much helpful advice but understanding and big love to you xxx

  9. I could have written this post. We’re at the same point I think. My babe is 8 months and still waking like a newborn baby. He doesn’t seem to want to tire of it. It’s really affecting me. I struggle to be positive. I yell a lot. I feel like I’m resenting my children and my husband and I feel crushed when I push them away or yell again.
    It’s just so hard. I have tried explaining so many times to my husband how sleep deprivation is effecting my brain, my thoughts, my energy, my moods, my everything. I’m a different person. I don’t recognise myself. Recently, I have started to mourn my old pre baby life. It’s just crept up on me. 7 years later and I have decided I miss acting and my old identity and it’s fierce. I cried all day about that last week.
    Sometimes I just dream of having 2 days off . Just 2 days to myself. To sleep, to collect my thoughts without interruption and then I feel guilty because my baby needs me. Who else can feed him? He won’t take a bottle. It’s all overwhelming. A huge burden of responsibility. I feel it’s hard to reach out as everyone else is so busy and consumed with their own struggles, but I hear you. I can connect with your words. Known that I understand. Sorry for rambling, i just spilled because I feel you know and understand my truth oxoxo

  10. I’m so bad at making friends IRL. It’s really tough. Hang in there, Mama. Seek help if you need it and lean on your family. I hope you are well supported xx

  11. I hear you sweetie. I know how lonely feels. My friends and I went our separate ways when our kids started growing up and now only say hi to each other in passing. Life is full of up ands down. Hold on tight to what you have now and use this space to vent. It’s better out than in and you can be sure we will all be here to listen xx

  12. Sending out lots of hugs to you. Life with little ones and meeting/making new friends as adults is really tough. Take care of you and it is ok to find it exhausting.

    xoxo

  13. Hi Becky, nice to meet you! Sounds like you’re having a bit of a tough time at the moment…I hope things start to improve for you soon, until then..vent away!

  14. Oh Becky, it’s hard isn’t it? Sending hugs to you and strength to get up each day. Motherhood can be lonely and yet having a baby is meant to be a joyous time in our lives – apparently. Vent away, cry and let the frustration out and know that you are not alone. We are here to listen when you need to vent again. xx

  15. The early days are so hard, whichever way you look at it. But try not to put even more guilt on yourself than you already feel Becky. Acknowledge and accept your feelings (all of them), vent and keep trying to go gently on yourself x

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *