beckyandjames.com

There's Pasta All Over the Floor and I Don't Care

2010-07-29T19:06:00.004+10:00

My girls went crazy with the pasta today and I just let them go and swept it all up into a pile to dump back in the box at the end of the day. There was literally pasta all over the floor all day. I have to find ways to make the rest of this pregnancy as smooth and pain free whilst chasing the girls and keeping them as entertained as humanly possible.

You see, yesterday, during a visit to my doctor I was told I have very low blood pressure which is most probably caused by iron deficiency and Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction or SPD. I have done much research since discovering this fact and can't honestly say I am looking forward to the next 4 months.

My intention is to find a pelvic support belt and use an ice pack, as has been suggested on so many forums I have trolled on the subject, in the hope that I will be able to keep the pain at bay and avoid ending up having to use crutches or being unable to walk. My being incapacitated wouldn't make for a calm daily life with my busy munchkins, plus it simply does not sound fun.

Alone

2010-07-26T15:22:00.005+10:00

Solitary footprints in the sand

Our trip to the beach was beautiful, but this photo speaks to me of how I feel quite often, especially on weekends. Alone. One person walking through the sand, seeing the splendor around me and having nobody to share it with.

Not truly alone, because where ever I go I have my gorgeous girls, but alone in the sense of friends and a busy hubby. Not being able to turn to someone else and say "Look at them!" as they play together in such a way that my heart swells with joy.

Not being able to turn to someone during a horror shop, after a (deceivingly) blissful morning and simply say "Help!"

Join in with more Point & Shoot fun over at Fat Mum Slim.

Turning of the Tables

2010-07-25T20:58:00.003+10:00

Last Sunday and the Sunday before were not the best, my outings with the girls seemed to be going all wrong. I would come home distressed and broken.

This week I decided we'd try something different and go to the beach. We live so close but really don't go that often, for whatever reason, I'd never even contemplated taking the girls to the beach without James. Maybe I was nervous about taking them alone, maybe I didn't want him to be missing out. It was probably a bit of both. I figured we were all missing out by waiting for James to take us places, so this morning we got ready and headed out the door.

As it's winter, there was nobody else around for the majority of the time. It was beautiful, fun and peaceful. We watched people with parachutes jump from planes to another beach and people on jet skis as we had a wonderful morning.

Unfortunately, after we had a nice snack at the bakery shopping followed, which was not so blissful with two tired toddlers in tow! I was cursing James, just a tad as I carried a grumpy Ellie while trying to push the trolley without hurting my belly/hips/back.

Today was better.

{52 Weeks} Week 2: 'Out'

2010-07-23T20:56:00.005+10:00

I often lament the amount of time I get to spend outside of the house, so tonight when Ellie decided chicken burgers were the must have meal (I don't know why...she doesn't eat burgers) James sent her and I out to get the necessary ingredients.

It amuses me that James thinks sending me out on little errands at times (with a child in tow) will be enough to abate my desire to get out - with or without the children.

Did you know you can now 'like' BeckyandJames on Facebook?

We Play: With Leaves

2010-07-21T12:22:00.003+10:00

On Monday morning, Ellie, Kahlei and I rugged up and took a walk up our street to collect leaves, flowers, pods, anything that caught their attention. We brought home a lovely bucket full of leaves and since then our collection has been involved in many different play situations. We've had cooking, sorting, and drawing to name a few.

This morning, I thought I would get out some Plasticine along with the leaves, some paddle pops, flags and such. I put them out on the bench and let the girls at it. They really enjoyed it and I was able to get started on some sorting in the kitchen while they played, explored and created.

Ellie asking for some 'Big black eyes' for her creation

Eyes and all. Ellie named him Mr Shuffles
(after I showed her some photos of him last night taken by Mel Hobbs)

Kahlei did some experimenting

Before making and 'drinking' a cup of tea,
complete with slurping noise

Ellie baked a cake, so she could practice blowing candles out
for her birthday next month

I got a birthday cake and birthday song,
even though my birthday was 2 months ago..

What have you been playing?

Come play at the Childhood 101 We Play link up.

Phoenix :D

2010-07-20T20:30:00.004+10:00

I was quite nervous about going for my 20 week ultrasound today. I have not had good experiences in the past with the sonographers who've done my previous scans. They've been rude and impersonal, for both of my 20 week scans with the girls I burst into tears once we'd left and both times we couldn't find out what we were having, which lead to a 7 hour 3D scan to find out with Ellie and another 3D scan (not as long, thankfully) to find out with Kahlei.

Fortunately, we got lucky with a new sonographer who was quite nice and explained what she was doing and that everything looked fine. James had to take Ellie and Kahlei out halfway through as they were getting quite noisy and were distracting for her. I felt saddened that he wasn't there for the rest, but really an anomoly scan does go for a long time and the girls did well to last as long as they did.

Once they had been gone awhile, I started to think I was seeing 'little white lines' everywhere and I actually started to have a panic attack. I have been so certain from the very beginning that Phoenix was a boy. At times I briefly questioned myself, was it instinct or purely wishful thinking that had me convinced? I didn't not want bubs to be a girl, although I would love a boy but I was so sure! Holy crap, I thought to myself, it's a girl!

My fave photo - Phoenix, legs stretched out and feet crossed, just chilling :)

It was a little while before the sonographer was confident enough to share the sex with me. I was considerably disappointed James wasn't there to share the moment with me, but we had no other options for childcare...

It's a BOY!!

Emotional

2010-07-18T20:20:00.000+10:00

That's me.

This weekend has been bad. I've been all over the place. Grumpy. Possibly irrational at times.

I am craving some nice family time. All I wanted was to get out of the house with James and the girls to do something nice. I've discussed before how I am missing my weekends. I am finding it harder and harder to stay sane with how things are. It's hard for the girls, too. They want to get out, go places and not be stuck at home. They miss spending time with James - every weekend they want to eat their lunch out on the veranda while he has his, picnic style, in order to get some time with him.

Yesterday, we did manage to go into the 'Bay for James to get a haircut and to get some warm clothes for the girls and myself. It started out fine, the girls and I perused Angus and Robertson while James got his hair done. Ellie showed me all the books she wanted for her birthday and Kahlei sang herself a little song.

At 11am we met Grandma in front of Kmart to shop for slippers for Ellie and Kahlei. Ellie was walking, but we'd left Kahlei in the pram as she was happy there, but it wasn't long before Grandma was asking Kahlei if she wanted to get out, AFTER we'd said we wanted to leave her in there for the time being.

From there, we went to the toys, where James and I got a disapproving look from Grandma for saying no to a new ball for Ellie. I mean, she only has tonnes. Halfway through the toys, Kahlei was suddenly being taken out of the pram and the girls were being encouraged to go and pick a ball each. Unsurprisingly, I am not thrilled about having our parenting undermined and it's not the first time we have said no only to have it be blatantly ignored. I don't know what to do about it because nothing we say seems to make a difference.

Taking two busy toddlers shopping is not always easy (or not ever..), but I don't think she'd thought that through because, before I knew it, Kahlei was spying things that caught her attention and was trotting off in all directions while Grandma was looking the other way. I was just lucky to have caught up to them. After that, it seemed every time I turned around she was losing the baby. James and I picked out a jumper for me, forgoing the pants I so desperately need (I have one pair that fit - I washed them during the week and put them on today, they don't fit!) so we could be done. I wasn't paying too much attention to what I was buying since I was too busy watching Kahlei. Every time Grandma saw me watching her she'd suddenly realise and go looking for her, which started the girls running about the racks. I heard Grandma grumble that she was over it and voted to leave. I just want to know what she thought would happen when she got Kahlei out? We had her in the pram for a reason...

Today, James went back to work in the yard and I took the girls to the park. Apparently, I didn't learn last week. Again, it started out alright, until my girls caught the eye of a family of kids. There were 4 of them, 2 older boys (primary school age) and 2 girls (toddlers). The youngest girl started following Ellie around, which made Ellie think they were playing and then the elder of the two girls started doing the same. The youngest went to follow Kahlei down the slide, leaving Ellie and the eldest 'playing'. The funny thing about this girl was that she wanted to play with Ellie went it suited her, without actually interacting with her, but when Ellie wanted to play this girl would tell her to go away. I saw this and simply started crying.

I had tears running down my cheeks the whole time the girls played after that. I was simply overwhelmed with the whole situation.

All Ellie wants is to play, interact and make friends. I feel like I have really let her down, not having any local friends, especially friends with children. I feel terrible that playgroup was such a disaster for us, that it wasn't the 'answer' and that we didn't find one to suit us. I hate that we don't have a car now as I would love to take the girls to explore the beach, visit the park and go to the gathering they hold by the river for children 0 - 5. That sounds more like something we could enjoy than the things we've tried previously, unfortunately it has only been running since we sold the car.

I feel oh-so guilty. I worry that her natural ability to make friends and draw people to her will diminish as she gets older because I have been a terrible mother in this respect. I've always loved to watch her interact with people in her own way, but now I wonder if I have not done enough to encourage and grow her social abilities.

The eldest girl continued to be rude to Ellie and the younger girl decided it was her park and started making a dash for anything and everything Kahlei looked like she was going to play on. Kahlei didn't notice, she's at an age where she's happy to acknowledge other children with a smile, but is happy to go about her own business and play on her own.

It seemed Kahlei's disinterest in what the girl was doing was making her cranky and all of a sudden she started pushing Kahlei and saying "Mine" as Kahlei made her way to the stairs. Of course, I wanted to jump up and yell at this girl, or maybe her parents who conveniently didn't seem to be seeing this when they were quick to jump up any time their oldest boy swung her maybe a bit too high or anyone spun her a bit faster on the whirly-gig. I didn't move, as I know it's important for the girls to learn to stand up for themselves, but I did give the girl a stern look. Kahlei just looked at her, stunned, before walking around her to continue on her way. The girl stood there and gave me a look, all proud of herself. She was obviously looking for a reaction from me as she'd not managed to get one from Kahlei.

Soon enough, this little girl was trying to push Ellie. I told Ellie, who reacted the same way Kahlei had, that she should not put up with children pushing her and if it happened again to say "Don't push me." Still, the parents didn't respond and the child just glared at me.

The last straw came when the elder girl was calling out "Look at me, look at me" and Ellie went over and said "Oh, good job!", to which the girl snapped "Not you! Go away." I collected my girls and took a few breaths to avoid storming over to the parents to yell "Your children are little sh*ts!" (which is a big deal for me to even think!) Though, as we were leaving I was telling the girls we might try to find a different park next week where there are less rude children. I was speaking rather louder than necessary. Secretly, I hope they heard me.

I am trying to tell myself that we will soon move, I'll have a car and support, Ellie will go to Preschool (Pretty School, as she calls it), we'll all go to Playgroup or something along those lines and all will be well. However, the longer I stay here the harder I am finding it to think positively. Especially, when I feel like I am stunting the girl's learning and growing as they should.

I know there will not always be nice children when we move, I know there will be trials but at least I wont be alone and both girls will have found someone to befriend. The thing I find most frustrating is that I can travel 4 - 5 hours to another park and find lovely people who talk to me and Ellie is always able to find nice children to play with. We've yet to have any issues at other playgrounds outside of our town. I just don't understand why people here simply don't like me. I mean, I have spoken to some nice people at the park but very rarely does it go past hello and it's more often than not that I am completely ignored when I greet other parents.

I have mentioned (and demonstrated) here my leaning towards being a stress-head over the years and even though I am trying to find and maintain a little bit of Zen in my life right now I seem to be discovering more things to feel anxious about instead.

Luckily, once James was finished in the yard we all went for a drive to look out at the ocean and play for a while. Thankfully, I have this beautiful family to put the smile back on my face.

{52 Weeks} Week 1: The True Me

2010-07-16T15:18:00.003+10:00

Recently, I have been reading many new blogs. One of which is Fat Mum Slim, I noticed she was participating in the 52 Week Project, which I had read about back when I was first learning about Project 365. It took me a little while to realise that all of the entries for her project were photos of her (baby brain..)

Since number 51 on my 101 in 1001 is to 'Take a photo of myself once a month for 6 months', I thought I would look into it, as participating in such a project would make it easy to complete. I did a search on Flickr and found the 52 Weeks group, which was inspired by the 365 Days group - where the challenge is to Take one self portrait each day for a year. I love the idea of doing it for a full year, but I know there is simply no way I would be able to do it currently, much like my failed attempt at Project 365...

I thought, with all the changes going on, that now would be the perfect time to start. I'll take a photo a week of myself throughout my pregnancy and then into my weight loss journey. Hopefully, by the time my 52 Weeks are up, I will be half the woman I currently am. I am looking at this as a journey of encouragement and motivation as well as a convenient way to cross off another achievement. Not to mention, a way to document myself for a year. I am rarely in photos, as I much prefer to be the one taking them as using myself as a subject doesn't excite and inspire me. It's hard to compete when I have such perfect subjects in my girls.

________________________________________

So, this morning I made myself up a bit, which I haven't really done since joining in with Bloggers Without Makeup, before placing a stool in front of me and setting the camera timer. I took many snaps, most of which ended up deleted. I picked the photo I wanted to use and thought about some Photoshop editing I wanted to do - I figure I can also utilise this project to hone my photography and editing skills.

The girls and I went outside to do some painting while the sun was out and surprise, surprise I ended up with paint on my clothes, arms and cheek. I decided that my first week of this project should be a photo of me. As I am today. Me, as my life is now. I turned the camera on myself and did some more snaps before we went off to climb trees with the cat.

I was a little disappointed when I looked and saw I didn't have as much paint on me as I thought, but this is as true as it gets. White as a ghost, wrinkles under my eyes and paint on my cheeks.

Here's my photo shopped, posed first choice, just because!

Beaut Brainwave...

2010-07-12T19:40:00.009+10:00

Lately, I have had the perfect excuse to not fold and put away the girl's clothes. Simply put, when Kahlei gets up from her nap, she loves to open all the draws and throw the clothes everywhere. Everyday, I have to go in and pick them up and the last thing I wanted was more clothes to put away over and over again. I mentioned my perfectly reasonable thought process to James and was told I should do it anyway in a grunty, grumpy man way. Well, I guess I probably should do it anyway, but I had a good reason not to.

Saturday I diligently folded all their clothes and put them away, like the good wife I am.

Today I went in to get Kahlei after her nap to find she had completely trashed the room. Not only were the clothes everywhere, but so where the toys, nappies and wipes.

So, instead of being in the pile off the floor, all the clothes were unfolded on the floor. Luckily, Kahlei is just as happy to help pick them up and put them away as she is to unfold them and throw them about. While Ellie stayed asleep in my room we cleaned up.

The last photo shows me I missed a ball under the cot. Argh. So, until tomorrow this how it looks...

One of THOSE Days

2010-07-11T20:37:00.006+10:00

You know those days when you simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed and then everything goes down hill from there? Welcome to my Sunday.

The day didn't start so well, as I am lamenting the disappearance of my excitement and enthusiasm over weekends. I used to look forward to James being home, to some family time, to some alone time. Now, with James diligently working in the yard, weekends are exactly the same as weekdays. I spend 7 days a week with the girls. Sometimes, it just gets to be a bit much. Sometimes, it would be nice to have some adult conversation or to meet someone for coffee. We're stuck in this house day in, day out. I have my reasons for not wanting to walk around my neighbourhood and the only nice park is too far to walk anyway because; lets face it, I am not fit enough (and on some days not patient enough) to do that big walk right now.

With James at home, working, I figured I would take the girls out to the park in his car. It started well, they had a blast and I love to watch them play. Every time we go, they are brave enough to try something new or accomplish something they've been trying to for awhile.

An older girl, who had been watching her brother play soccer, came over to play. She asked Ellie her name, to which she replied "Ellie." The girl clarified "Ellie?" Yup. So, for some reason she decided to call her Ella. Huh? For awhile, they just ran around and then the girl started getting Ellie to follow her to do things for bigger kids - like, the hangy rubber things that you kind of monkey along...

Does that help? She's right at the bottom because, obviously, she's too little to hang on at the top. Ellie kept telling her she was too little and I was very proud that she was aware of her limits. She is willing to try things, as long as she is comfortable and I think that's an important instinct to follow.

Eventually, however, the girl did coerce her to try. I told Ellie she could try if she felt comfortable, but only if I was the one helping her. That made the girl go back to her family, leaving my girls to play merrily. I breathed a sigh of relief, I love the girls playing with others but big kids just don't realise that Ellie and Kahlei are still growing and learning.

They played with a nice little boy. Sorry, BIG boy (I made the mistake of calling him little at the park). Then, the girl came back just as another bigger girl came along. Ellie thought that she still wanted to play with her, but instead the two biggies ran around, in a more nasty way, to avoid her. I was not impressed. When Ellie almost got bowled over by the first girl I decided it was time to go.

We-hell. Ellie may still only be a toddler but spending time with a big girl had left her with a big girl attitude. She carried on as if I was murdering her, instead of saying we had to go buy bleach. Boy, can she scream! We struggled to the car, I wrestled both girls into their seats and we headed to the shop. Ellie talked happily about what she did at the playground, so I figured we'd passed the pre-three tantrum.

Feeling braver, we hopped out of the car only to have Ellie stand in the parking lot and scream at me because she didn't want to hold my hand across the road. Only Kahlei could, apparently. I have two rules while out; hold my hand on the road and don't complain when we leave (the park, store, whatever). That was two rules broken out of two. Awesome.

I grabbed her hand and we quickly crossed. I let her go on the sidewalk and started up the steps. She didn't want to hold my hand, so I figured that would be okay. Wrong. She stood there, more screaming, some stomping and carrying on. An old lady about to go up the steps asked if it would help if she held Ellie's hand (like I had dashed up the steps and denied her a hand). I explained that holding hands had been the problem to start with and she was 'just at that age'. I hate that saying, but it's becoming more and more relevant by the day.

We struggled through the store to buy bleach. Ellie insisted on pushing Kahlei in the trolley. I wasn't allowed to touch it. She would happily stop and talk to randoms, but for me she reserved attitude and disobedience.

After the longest ever run to the shop for one thing, I got Ellie to climb in Kahlei's side and sit in her seat while I put the trolley over to the side, got the bag and Kahlei out and put them in the car. I did Kahlei up, who was starting to whinge too and drove to the bakery. I stopped the car and felt very much like the thing I wanted to do was leave them both in the car while I popped in to get some rolls. I've promised myself I will never do that, not even for something quick, so I undid myself and as I went to open my door Ellie said "You didn't do me up." Holy Crap. I looked at her, she had her arms in but I hadn't come around to buckle her up. I still can't believe that I was so frustrated and rattled to not do her up. I explained how dangerous it was to not be buckled up and that she needed to tell me straight away if I ever forgot again. To which she said a blatant "No."

We got our rolls and made our way home. The whole way she whinged about not wanting to go home. Every time I turned into a street nearer to our house she got louder and more whingy.

We had lunch outside with Daddy before nap time. I thought (hoped, prayed) that it would be a nice long nap. Halfway through, as always, Kahlei woke and I went to soothe her then returned to bed with Ellie only to find she was sitting up. She screamed for half an hour about wanting to cuddle daddy. I can't say I have ever had a stronger urge to smack a child than I did in those long 30 minutes. I set my jaw and turned away from her. Nothing I said or did would stop her, so I figured I would just let it take it's course. The most annoying that was that she was exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open. Eventually, she calmed down and snuggled into my back quietly. I relaxed and closed my eyes for a sleep, only to hear James come in.

Ellie laid there and said "Daddy's here." and I said she could go out and give him a cuddle, since that was what she had carried on about, but that set off even more water works. I guess when she said she wanted to cuddle daddy she meant something completely different.

The night continued with whinging and crying from both girls and yelling from James and I. In the end I decided to give them an early dinner and put them in bed. Unfortunately, our new sleeping arrangement of both girls sleeping side-by-side (which was cute last night) and them being put to bed at the same time meant Kahlei didn't go straight to sleep like normal, instead she played and kept Ellie awake for over three hours. ARGH.

I wish I could spend all this time with them and not get so drained. I wish I didn't end up so emotionally, physically and mentally effected. I read blogs of women who seem to be able to spend every single day with their children, without ever a mention of others helping and they always seem to be able to get through life smoothly. There are always educational activities and warm-fuzzy posts. Can I be the only mother who really needs to be surrounded and supported by people I know and trust to survive this roller coaster of motherhood? I am feeling so very much like a failure. So sick of having to deal with most of this crap on my own. So annoyed that getting out of here is taking so long and that it's the reason my husband is forever in the backyard working while I wish we could be doing something as a family. I see people's happy snaps of family outings and I get jealous that we're at a point where getting out and doing something nice, or even just playing together seems to be the last thing we can do.

Now, it's time for bed and I am still cranky. House was a tear-jerker and I have a headache. At least the girls are finally asleep.

The Whole Point: Booking In

2010-07-08T19:32:00.003+10:00

The reason I decided to write about my 'Birth Plan' the other day was because of my experience while waiting for my booking in appointment the day before.

James and the girls came with me, as I wanted to be sure the girls would behave in the event that I acquire a car and start going to my appointments James-less. Plus, his presence meant he could answer the questions that I could not. Baby brain is my main mental state presently, after all.

I was quite nervous and hoped I would see a Midwife I knew and trusted, to put my mind at ease. Unfortunately, of the 7 or so Midwives there I saw only two I knew. The first, has been one of my primary carers for both births and I can't say she and I have ever had a rapport. She's a little snappy and blunt and I simply never felt comfortable with her, while in my vulnerable state. The second was around when I had Kahlei, but is one of those quiet people who go about their duties and you never have much interaction with.

When the first came out of the nursery, she looked at us and said "What? Another one?" as she walked away from us she followed that up with "I probably shouldn't say it like that." Probably not. I was feeling quite self conscious as all the Midwives I didn't know looked curiously at us.

The second was about to leave and stood awkwardly asking if we were booking in again.

I had already decided that I wanted to have Phoenix in our new town, but this reception really cemented that decision in my mind. It brought up memories of my time in hospital, especially of my first stay after having Ellie, where I spent a lot of time feeling alone, sometimes scared and often unsure.

I remember, one night, just after James left Ellie started screaming. She had tummy pains, I rang the buzzer because, seriously, what was I meant to do? I got up, as slowly as a person possibly can and in so much pain. I did what I could to help her but it wasn't helping. No one responded to my buzzer. Eventually, after much crying on both our parts, Ellie did her first (and most disgusting) poo. Even then no one came.

The girl in the room next to me had also had a c-section, just after me, and she was struggling with her baby no sleeping as well as her recovery. I am ashamed to admit that at times I was frustrated with her, simply because every time I needed someone to help me they seemed to be in her room. I didn't call for help often, but when I did I felt neglected and embarrassed. I still feel guilty about how I felt towards that poor woman in the next room.

With Kahlei, I have no idea about my stay, really. My memory of that time is somewhat blurry. The one thing I can remember clearly is the frustration I felt when I kept falling asleep halfway through a sentence...

Sitting there, waiting to book in and hearing our reception really brought it all back and I hate the idea of having another baby there. Not that I think another hospital will have perfect midwives who all like me... Still...

We Play: With Pasta

2010-07-07T18:46:00.003+10:00

I have put all my old necklaces into a box for the girls to play dress ups with, both girls love to play with them and wear them around. I thought we might try to make some necklaces out of dried, coloured pasta, only to discover we only had spirals. I decided we could still find something to do and Ellie and I go to colouring the pasta - red, blue, green and yellow and then we coloured some rice purple. We left it over night to dry, but I was a little bit disappointed with the results - any tips?

While the girls played drumming in their room I got out containers, spoons, tongs and patty pans, a bowl of pegs and our coloured bits and pieces. Then I let them loose :)

They had a ball spooning pieces into containers, pouring, running the rice through their fingers, picking up pasta and pegs with the tongs... It kept them amused for hours. Ellie made me cups of tea and dinner for 'Happy Daisy', Kahlei was obsessed with the tongs once she figured out how they worked. She even tried to wear them as a necklace, strange child!

Honestly, this is one of the best activities we've done in a long time. I just loved watching them and they were so quiet! So focused. Ellie did a bit of commentary about her cooking, but other than that they simply concentrated on the task at hand.

Once there was rice everywhere we swept up and later in the afternoon we used the pasta and rice for some gluing.

What have you been playing?

Come play at the Childhood 101 We Play link up.

The Birth Plan (kinda)

2010-07-06T10:04:00.005+10:00

Before Ellie's birth I immersed myself in forums, books and websites to inform and prepare myself for the impending arrival of my little bundle. I was obsessed with getting as prepared as possible. I worried about having the right amount of clothes in the right sizes for the right season. I worried about the nursery being the appropriate colour and theme. Once I got over my fear of labour, I worried about the birth and mulled over the decisions I was making. Just like any Mum-to-be does.

In the latter stages, I read through tonnes of Birth Plans as I wrote mine to ensure I didn't miss something important that could cause a problem at a time when my ability to make decisions might be impaired. I wanted the midwives, doctor and James to be informed and aware of my wishes.

By the time my due date came and went I was too busy trying to convince Ellie to get a wriggle on to think too much more about the plans I had made. At 41 weeks, when I saw my Ob, I completely forgot to take my plan with me. I ended up being induced and having to have an emergency Caesarean. Both were on my 'do not want' part of the plan, along with intervention.

I gave myself time to come to terms with the situation. For a day or so I wondered what ill effects would come of not experiencing the birth I had wanted, but honestly, the guilt I thought I should feel simply wasn't there. I decided to give myself a break. After all, the birth wasn't horrible, in fact in was smooth and calm. My recovery was easier than I expected. I had no regrets and knew I had done the right thing.

Before Kahlei's arrival, I did the same preparation as I did with Ellie. Only this time I was researching VBAC vs repeat caesarean. I was surprised to find the passion for one verses the other. Wading through the scores of personal beliefs and experiences I found so much negativity and judgement from those who have done the opposite of others. I had to step back from the online communities and focus on facts and research to make my decision. I spent some time thinking I should want to attempt a VBAC, after all, I had wanted to birth Ellie as naturally as possible. The choice to have a repeat c-section was not an easy one to make, but it was the right one for my situation and baby.

The only thing I had on my, now mental, "Birth Plan" was the fact that I did not want to be put under general anesthetic for the birth. Missing out on the first moments of my child's life was the last thing I wanted. So, guess what happened? Yup, I was put under. After a drama less delivery of Ellie I was less than thrilled with my second time experience. I barely remember my time in the hospital, I suppose someone was bringing me the baby to feed as she survived! My recovery was lengthy and painful. Even though it was not a great experience, I stand by my decision and know it was the right thing for Kahlei.

19 months later and here we are again. Honestly, this bub was not planned. I had rules and the most important one has yet to be met. As much as I wish I was a super mum who could cope without the support of close friends and family, I simply can't. I need to take a break from time to time and when we have to travel 5 hours away to get that it's kind of negating the whole reason as traveling is taking so much out of me currently. I need to spend time with adults and not spend so much time lonely.

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks, marking the halfway point. This pregnancy is going much faster than the other two, probably because I now have two busy toddlers demanding most of my time. I have again researched my options and decided on a 3rd c-section rather than a VBA2C. I have accepted that this is how I have my children and come to my decision peacefully. I do feel nervous about the prospect of having another bad experience, but I am hoping to avoid a GA.

The only thing I really, really want for this birth (other than to be awake) is to have Phoenix in our new town. One of the saddest things about my previous hospital stays was the lack of visitors. I feel sad that there wasn't many people to share the joy of my precious new babies. I want to be surrounded by people who love and care about me and my family at such an important time. Luckily, my mum has been here for both births and my dad was here for Kahlei's otherwise I would have felt so much worse! I want the organisation of my time in hospital to be easy and I want to be able to have people on hand to lean on once we go home.

I want there to be someone who might pop around with a cooked meal or to play with the girls while bubs and I nap. I want to be able to call someone and have them come visit so I don't go insane from lack of adult conversation during the day.

I wonder if I write it out in a plan format if I will get what I want?

Loved

2010-07-01T21:16:00.003+10:00

My gorgeous husband made these cupcakes for me last night. They were for Mother's Day and then my birthday but I think we were away for both, so last night he and Ellie surprised me with them. Totally sweet, not to mention delicious!

We Play: Puppets

2010-06-30T09:24:00.015+10:00

The new favourite activity in our house is gluing. Ellie, especially, simply loves it. At least once a day I hear "Can we glue?". Kahlei's starting to get the hang of pressing things onto her glue now, but mostly she just likes to paint with it. Ellie loves to layer things on top of each other to make colourful piles.

Yesterday, I got out some paper bags and asked if they would like to try and make puppets. Since it involved gluing, it was a popular suggestion!

Ellie and I got out the supplies and set up. Each girl got a glue stick and we began.

Twisting the corner to make ears

Gluing on eyes

Adding feathers

Kahlei decided she was finished..

and went to play with Paws while Ellie continued to glue

and glue

and glue

and glue ... told you she loves it!

While we waited for our puppets to dry we had a run outside before a nice nap. As there was so much glue on Ellie's puppet we had quite a wait!

Eventually, though, we got to play :)

Our puppets had a lovely chat and even had time for a lovely cup of tea made by Ellie, which is one of her favourite imaginary games, she's forever handing us blocks or plain old thin air and telling us it's our cup of tea. I love how she 'makes' it too, she doesn't just say it's done, she actually puts things in and stirs and turns on a jug.

Come play at the Childhood 101 We Play link up.

So..

2010-06-17T21:29:00.000+10:00

Apparently I should have started taking Inner Health Plus when I started my course of antibiodics...

still not great

2010-06-16T21:35:00.002+10:00

I'm still feeling pretty bad, but i think i'm picking up now thanks to my doctor addressing a major problem and my husband having the girls so i can rest. Hopefully, i'm well and truely on the road to recovery.

2010-06-15T20:25:00.001+10:00

i went to my doctor today, he got the doppler out so i could hear pheonix. Strong heartbeat :) he also gave me more scripts. Hopefully i'll be on the mend now...

2010-06-14T19:16:00.000+10:00

back to ED today. Feeling worse. Poor me.

Over it!

2010-06-13T19:35:00.005+10:00

Today I went to Emergency as I've had very bad pains in my timmy and back and I haven't felt Phoenix move for a few days. I just wanted to make sure bubs was okay. So, I waited an hour before seeing teh doctor and he tells me I had some blood in my urine, then he checks his paper work and corrects by saying "There was a lot of blood in your urine." then he told me I had a UTI and gave me some pills. He also told me to "rest as much as possible." I love that, with two toddlers 'rest' isn't a word a know too much about!!

Between this and my chest infection I am so over it all. Everything hurts. I am not with it, my brain just isn't functioning and I am so tired all the time.

16.5 weeks down, I kinda want it to go faster but at the same time it's already going to fast and the idea of having three children under 4 in five months is kind of freaking me out!

Why have I never been a 'glowing' pregnant woman, with energy in the second trimester and an enjoyment of the experience? Or is that a fable? It would just be awesome to be enjoying this right now!!

Home

2010-06-12T23:30:00.000+10:00

Home.Sick.Exhausted

sick

2010-06-11T22:36:00.000+10:00

i've been unwell for some weeks, but in the last few days i've gotten worse. Yesterday i paya doctor who told me i have a chest infection, have me antibiodics and told me that if i get a rash i have to 'go straight to hospital and get a shot because that's meningitis' - he thought he would say that enough times to completely freak me out. Now that i've remembered to blog i'm off to bed, hopefully for a good sleep.

Wednesday's Wreck

2010-06-10T11:42:00.011+10:00

My gorgeous husband gave me a Wreck This Journal for my birthday. I knew it was coming and was so impatient to get my hands on it, that in the lead up to my 27th birthday I became practically obsessed with looking through what others had posted. There are some amazing creative people out there!

We also decided to give my brother's one each for their birthday's and they loved it. I hope that they will join me in Wreck in Wednesday so I can follow their progress. I got my girls an art book each so that while I do my wrecking they can paint, colour, glue, or whatever else that want to do.

This is what I started with:

On the day of my birthday we went out to coffee with mum and I was able to start.

Then mum added a little more:

Pour, spill, drip, spit, fling your coffee here

On Tuesday, the sun was out so I took the girls outside with some paint and their books. They loved it. There's my hand on the right, Ellie's hand top of the left page and Kahlei's at the bottom.

This page is for handprints or fingerprints. Get them dirty then press down

Yesterday, Ethan had the day off so the four of us sat down with some glitter glue and got glueing (I'll link to Ethan's post when he's done it):

Draw with glue

Today, we decided to not get too dirty and got the textas out for some doodling:

Doodle over top of this page and in the margins

Before I finish my first Wednesday's Wreck post, I would just like to show you what the cover of my book now looks like - James got a little over enthusiastic about making 'sudden destructive, unpredictable movements', he even had to sticky tape the cover back on!

Do you have a Wreck This Journal? If so, I'd love to see what you're doing with it!

Girl's night!!

2010-06-09T22:42:00.003+10:00

Mum and I had a girl's night tonight. We had pizza and watched a movie called Four Holidays, after watching MasterChef with Ellie, of course (she loves it and is a pretty big George fan). It's so nice to have a night like this once in a while :)

We Play: With Chalk

2010-06-08T21:06:00.013+10:00

Now that the days are getting colder and as we're currently visiting Nanna - where the weather is quite a bit cooler than at home - our outdoor play time is being cut back.
However, as soon as it is warm enough outside to play we rug up and rush out. With Uncle Max home, we figured a bit of chalk drawing on the cement was in order.

My girls love to draw. They'll take any opportunity to do so and exploring new canvases and mediums is something they take real pleasure in.

Ellie's starting to make more deliberate drawings - less scribbling. Every picture has an elaborate story these days :) She is also starting to remember colours othan than blue and yellow now.

On the other hand, Kahlei is much more interested in the feel, taste and texture of the chalk.

I drew a hopscotch court and Uncle Max showed the girls how to play. Kahlei showed no interest, but Ellie thought it would be fun to play. In her own way, of course.

And no day would be complete without annoying the cat, by drawing on her!

I wrote an 'I miss you' message for my hubby, as he's gone home for the week.

Come play at the Childhood 101 We Play link up.