A week ago, I uploaded my first official vlog on Youtube. I’ve decided to create videos when getting words onto the page is simply too hard. The good thing is that I can watch it back and know that what I really, truly wanted to say wasn’t there because I’m terrible with ‘the talking’.
So, here we are, a week on. I am now 35. Welcome to my midlife crisis.
I fear my vlog maybe didn’t properly help me portray the seriousness of how I’m feeling, that possibly it made it seem like crisis averted because all I talk about is hair and body piercing (ok, not entirely, but still).
I guess, in my mind, a person of thirty five should feel more … settled, certain, or at lease have more knowledge and skills. Even though I know that, in reality, we’re all constantly finding our way. Losing our way. Discovering and growing.
I feel such a strong urge to do something different, change things up and discover more everything, all while feeling like I haven’t done nearly enough with my life thus far.
Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe it’s also a mum-life thing. Somedays, I don’t have time to be anything other than mum. I know I am not the only mumma out there feeling like my sense of self has disappeared without my noticing. I’m not the only woman who’s mind is so full of keeping up with all.the.things. I can no longer remember what it’s like to fill my mind with anything other than feeding the family, keeping on top of laundry, making sure everyone is where they need to be when they need to be, troubleshooting drama and challenges, whether that cough is going to lead to asthma issues and so on. And I certainly can’t remember what it’s like to empty my mind and just … be.
Combined with my depression, it feels as if I am flailing about, arms in the air wailing “what do I even WANT?! WHO am I??”
And, I really don’t know.
I’ve started art journaling and regularly simply making a mess with paints and other supplies again, which has been good and now I need to branch out and try some new things, shake things up and figure out what I enjoy. Going to try a new hairstyle, new food, activities. I hope to say yes to myself more than I say no (we’ll see how that goes).
I’m still struggling to portray this tight, heavy feeling. To properly convey this panic which has suddenly and unexpectedly made itself at home in my belly. This strangeness which has me wanting to jump in the car and do something crazy.