Being ok with not being ok

Medication changes are essential to finding the right balance and combination of treatments for recovery. Even when it seems, for a time, that you’ve finally found the Holy Grail, things change and need to be tweaked.

Sometimes it can be hard and frustrating to accept that you still haven’t found the answers. That you’re still not where you want to be. Whether I admit it to myself or not, there’s a subconscious timeline for ‘being ok’. A timeline to ‘getting back to’ (to what? I don’t know, I’ve had depression since I was a teenager!). A timeline to step into more ‘living’ and less of the merely existing.

Thank goodness for screens but I want us to do more

It sucks to feel like I’m starting all over again. It is exhausting to put in the work day in, day out, do all the things I’m told will ‘fix’ me, give it everything I’ve got, fight every second of the day to be ‘better’ and still end up back at square one.

I’m working on accepting that it’s a whole journey of it’s own. It can’t be forced. That it IS ok to not be ok, I’m not less because of this. And recovery taking it’s own sweet time isn’t a reflection on me… Maybe…

And, though I mostly don’t care about other people’s assumptions or thoughts about me, there is absolutely a niggle of no longer wanting to be seen of as worthless, useless, not contributing. I don’t want to be seen as ‘Depressed Becky’. Yes, It is affecting my everyday life currently and has been present for a long time in varying degrees but it’s not who I am. It doesn’t define me.

Through this, I have found myself immersed in Youtube. Vlogs about other people and their recovery, or not. I’ve searched for the raw and real to feel that I am not so alone in this season (also loving the mindless weird and wonderful stuff and ridiculous rabbit holes I find myself in).

I feel like sharing my story is an important part of my healing, though I don’t want to be seen as attention seeking with that sharing. So, I wanted to vlog my 7 days of reduction. Firstly, talking to the camera is soothing. Why? Nooooo idea. And, secondly, if one person stumbles upon it and feels like they have someone in their corner, my job is done. Maybe I can help someone who once didn’t understand. I don’t know.

I’m now day 4 of my new meds and BO-HOY are they kicking my butt even worse than the coming off did. Hopefully, in 6 to 8 weeks these horrible first few weeks will have been worth all the exhaustion, dizziness, hot flushes, cold shivers, aches, pains, vomiting, excessive shaking and all.

How are you going? I’d love to hear what you’re up to.

Linking up with Denyse for #LifeThisWeek

2 thoughts on “Being ok with not being ok

  1. I am so proud of you Becky. You are doing a fantastic job.

    Love you đŸ’•

  2. Becky, thank you firstly for sharing and then for being so upfront and truthful about how this is for you. I find it hard to imagine the pain. I know that no-one wants to be in pain nor watch someone in pain but there it is, the rawness of you and the pain.

    I hope, somewhere and sometime, that better answers are found for health conditions such as yours. And yet, I also know that each individual’s situation and treatment is different. I am saddened that this takes you away from those you love and what you love to do.

    Sending my sincere wishes for a better health outcome very very soon.

    Thank you for linking up for Life This Week. Next week’s optional prompt is: 8/51. My Favourite Decade. 25/2/19. Denyse.

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